PTSD symptoms

There are a lot of good resources including books that describe Trauma, PTSD and its symptoms. However, the effects are so devastating, that they do require repeated and multiple explanations for people who have not experienced it to at least get some understanding of it.

Misunderstanding of symptoms

For the first 4 years sometimes it was frustrating when I was explaining how I feel. I was telling to GP, psychologist or other people who could help or asked how I am, that I am constantly in state of fear as if something life threatening is happening right now or will happen any moment now. In reply I would be told that there are antidepressants and it will increase my mood and therefore will solve my problem. I would try to correct that I am not feeling depressed the problem is persistent fear, that I felt when I got hit by a car. That after 40 min of sleep I wake up terrified. I would get suggested that I should move on, not to think about it ever, just block these feelings or thoughts and do not ever mention them and everything will be fine. I wanted to tell them what about I hit you very hard with some hard object. Then I will give you an apple and you will no longer fell hungry anymore and you will be fine as nothing has happened.

Of course I never hit anyone, but the mismatch what I was saying and what I what people wanted to think about was huge. After being admitted to PTSD treatment research program by Traumatic Stress Clinic I was surprised how well I was understood. Finally understanding what it is and how it works I wanted to write about my experience, so other people can avoid similar situations. However, dealing with QBE created additional stress and writing become very difficult.

Few years latter I started reading book The Body Keeps The Score. He describe many of the symptoms I experience much better than I ever could. For a time I was thinking I do not need to write about it, just reference this book. However, there were many symptoms and not all apply to everyone. Some of the symptoms are complex enough that it took me long time to understand them or that they may be related to PTSD. However, when I mentioned to specialist I was told that it is part of know PTSD symptoms and explained its affects. After feeling of being stupid has passed I realized - I still need to write about it.

Cognitive decline

This is probably the most annoying symptom - you can not act if you can not think.

Permanent decline

My cognitive decline after the injury was very drastic. I was able to act in autopilot mode, but when I needed to think, to plan, or to learn something new then I would hit brick wall. Event at the best estimates I felt that I am functioning at 5% of previous capacity while many areas become impossible at all. Yet, from outside, it might not seemed so bad as I still could do trivial things on autopilot and memories from past were still accessible.

In time it got a bit better, but my productivity even at best times is below 10% what it used to be. The main problem is that even average complexity problems were too complex for me now.

When stressed

When stressed my head can completely shutdown. Even if it does not shut down it becomes very hard to function. It is very easy to manipulate me as I become very suggestive.

English language deterioration

One of the interesting and noticeable impacts is how significantly my knowledge of English language drops if I am stressed. That was especially difficult when I needed to read legal documents related to my injury. Few complex sentences and I am no longer able to understand anything even if the rest of the document is in relatively simple English.

In some cases it helps if I ask for someone to read what I wrote. Well actually since the injury I have to do it with almost all text I write, including this site. So, after updating few pages I asked one support worker to read it. He told that he was able to understand my story, but asked maybe one of the parts he just read was written long time ago. That was actually the newest part and I thought I wrote it well. I was feeling only moderately stressed compared to my usual (which is highly stressed compared to normal) and I took long time to write and checked few times before asking to read. I asked why he thought so. He pointed to many errors, and there were many.

However, I have to write. Just need to keep asking to read it. I think if you look at my productivity it would be negative as I need more resources to help me, than I actually produce something useful. However, this is sad reality.

Making decisions that are not good for you

There is very common saying in psychology, that you make the best decision based on information that you have at that time. However, it is not true for PTSD. There were few ways how to make wrong decision and I do not have tools how to overcome these problems:

1. If you are in fawn response, you will make decision that is best to please someone whom you perceive as a threat or partial threat. So, when your solicitor will give you an advice that goes against your wishes, your goals and logic, you will agree with it. You will find his arguments logical no matter how absurd and incorrect they were. It might take years to understand what actually has happened. Emotional processing and coming in terms with it will take even longer.

Memory and thought blocking

Surprising amount and importance memories and thought can be blocked (suppressed) without you ever realising. This is why it is so difficult to deal with it. How can you remember something that you do not know that you forgot? It is very different to forgetting name or date. As you do remember that you should know this, but just cannot remember what it is. The link (association) is missing. However, when memories get blocked there is no entry point left for it. There is nothing left to indicate that some memory is missing. There were two ways how I lean that something is missing:

1. When memory is triggered from outside. Then it is hard to understand how I could have forgotten it in first place.
2. When memory comes back on its own. Sometimes, in unusual and inconvenient time. I think it is still coming back because by of being triggered by something I just not notice what was the trigger.

I think all these memories are being blocked because of the stress. Just sometimes it is not so apparent.

I did not think I will survive, but why?

I have started seeing psychologist for EMDR treatment about 4 months ago after PIC Assessment Conference 2023-06-28 (tribunal). That was exceptionally difficult time for me. One of the things I told he was that I was feeling that I am not going to survive. Now few months passed and my efforts to cope with situation started paying off. About month ago, during one of the sessions my psychologist asked me do I still feel that I am not going to survive (that was during session when we were discussing some particular memory). I said no. I remember having the feeling that I am going to die, but I cannot remember how I was going to die.

For few weeks now I started looking back at tribunal, something I had to postpone at that time because I was not able to physically cope with it. However, I cannot delay it any longer and need to deal with it. I managed to solve some other issues and I think I have better support around me.