Trauma

For the last 8 years I live in agony. In the morning when it is time to get up I do not want to get up; I have not slept properly, and I am exhausted. I am controlled by fear. I am scared to do the things I have to do and I freeze in fear when I try to do them. I know I am going to fail as I failed so much in last 8 years and now there is no way to fix it. I can try to fix only the last few failures, but it feels impossible. I am being crushed by corrupt system.

However, it does not have to be this way. I wish I could help any other injured person to avoid all this agony, as I wish someone would have helped me. But I was not able to find help. I am not in position to help others yet, as I need help myself. However, I can share my story and I hope it can help. What I have wrote so far would have helped me a lot already. All this site is about helping other people to avoid same agony as I am still going through.

For information how to deal with police, insurance and other related stuff, please read road traffic injury.

For information about the trauma, consequent Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, its affects and how you can reduce risk and impact of it, please continue reading this page. Trauma and its impact are getting studied better and there is more information about it, comparing to what I was able to find when I got injured. I collect useful links in a separate page Trauma related resources and Daily functioning tips.

Physical brain injury

I just got confirmation that I have physical brain injury. I wish I find out earlier. I am not ready to talk about it yet.

How trauma affects you

For the first 4 years sometimes it was frustrating when I was explaining how I feel. I was telling to GP, psychologist or other people who could help or asked how I am, that I am constantly in state of fear as if something life threatening is happening right now or will happen any moment now. In reply I would be told that there are antidepressants and it will increase my mood and therefore will solve my problem. I would try to correct that I am not feeling depressed the problem is persistent fear, that I felt when I got hit by a car. That after 40 min of sleep I wake up terrified. I would get suggested that I should move on, not to think about it ever, just block these feelings or thoughts and do not ever mention them and everything will be fine. I wanted to tell them what about I hit you very hard with some hard object. Then I will give you an apple and you will no longer fell hungry anymore and you will be fine as nothing has happened.

Of course I never hit anyone, but the mismatch what I was saying and what I what people wanted to think about was huge. After being admitted to PTSD treatment research program by Traumatic Stress Clinic I was surprised how well I was understood. Finally understanding what it is and how it works I wanted to write about my experience, so other people can avoid similar situations. However, dealing with QBE created additional stress and writing become very difficult.

Few years latter I started reading book The Body Keeps The Score

PTSD symptoms

You need help

After getting hit by a car I learned about corruption in police, negligence of medical professionals, evil insurance company and scamming solicitors. I was very capable person before, who was going through challenges like they were easy, but now I was easily manipulated, lied and abused. After trauma you will need help, there is very high chance you will not be able to cope with it on your own.

Over time I found some things that were useful, and I would like to share it with you:

• Trauma related resources

Price of giving up

The most common advice I got was give up and move on. These were the people who do not want to help you (too lazy or do not want you to succeed) and giving advice that seems the best for them at the time. However, it is a terrible way to go. You cannot ignore trauma. It does not work this way. The price of giving up is your life. You will not be able to sleep, relax, focus, or do the things you used to do. You will need to go back and address it or live the rest of your life in miserable existence.

Treatment

How long is a journey?

I do not know. I started getting PTSD focused treatment at the end of 2019. Very soon I have learned about the need to process trauma and how to bring memories in controlled way. Since then, I been doing it every day. There is some progress, but it is slow. For about 3 years I am spending all my time and energy on this. I do not know how long it will take, but I do not have other option. I need my life back. BTW I am also going through the Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. It takes very long time, but it is working.

Diary

Journaling is one of the useful tools while dealing with PTSD, brain injury or many other mental health challenges. I place my Diary online with the thought that it might help other people facing similar challenges.