Diary 2026 continued

I get an error when trying to edit Diary 2026. Previous error was because of to many incoming connections (few hundred per second) on resource intense pages. Now I am having different error. When opening Diary for 2026 it displays content of To Do. I will be posting my diary here while I try to fix it.

This is my Diary for 2026.

01

2026-01-01 16:08

New year, same struggle. In my dreams I was apologising to my mum for not being able to protect. I remembered that before her mobility problems become too overwhelming she was working all the time. While now I am not able to focus even on small tasks.

16:34 I have been just preparing to write, but I am already trembling. However, I will not give up. I never give up.

Daily functioning tips#Maintain hope even if fake one is a tip I am struggling now. However, it is an important one. You need hope of getting desired result in order to do the things you need to do. I was feeling exhausted and decided to finish for today. However, few moments later I felt that I did way too little and give up way too soon. However, it only confirmed that I am exhausted.

2026-01-02 16:37

I am exhausted, but I do not want to write about it. I want to ask why so few people write about corruption they face when dealing with insurance claims. However, I struggle my self to write about. But when I am done, then I will come back to this topic. If I will be able to do it, so should you. It would have saved me from so much needles suffering if that information was available to me.

2026-01-11 14:44

I wanted to write about something useful rather than just writing about suffering. It took a while.

I wanted to add few notes about willpower. To my surprise I cannot find anything here. I am sure I wrote about and many times. However, it is not here. Maybe I will find it somewhere someday. With a lot of struggle I was able to use today's example for section that Daily functioning tips#Willpower is not enough to combat exhaustion.

2026-01-12 15:22

Still struggling but completed the tip I started yesterday.

The problem with PTSD symptoms#Wrong appointment date happened so many times now, that I am looking at it as something that cannot be avoided. However, I was surprised to find out that I have not description of it in symptoms, nor in it tips.

2026-01-13 18:13

Not much to write about, only the reminder that writing Daily functioning tips#Diary does help also to deal with the tendency to get stuck with the tasks.

2026-01-14 18:28

Just to remind that the main reason for my incapacity to function is exhaustion and it affects all areas of my life.

2026-01-16 16:44

I slept very bad last night. I was not able to fall asleep from 5:00, and missed important part of the sleep. Whole day crawling and can not find a way to be productive. Few hours ago I decided to do simple household tasks, but it is no better. Have not done anything useful.

Lets check what else I recommend. I will start with Jalapeno (Spices and Spicy food) and background sounds.

2026-01-18 15:49

I need to readjust my plans again. I was writing down about last missed appointment as it is a good example. However, it has been more than a week and I have not completed it yet. I need to move on to other tasks :(.

2026-01-21 18:08

I am falling behind the schedule badly again. So, I am just making notes of what I would like to write in a diary. I hope I will come back to it one day.

2026-01-22 17:17

At least today I know what I want to do during next EMDR sessions. I knew from the morning when I woke up from nightmare where I was trying to go back to work and failing miserably. So many things went wrong since the trauma. Some thing could have been better if I was able to think properly, but I was not. There is a lot of pain associate with that. I do not think that pain servers any purpose now as it makes more difficult to do thing that I need and want to do now.

Here is a small example about hesitation to act even that is relate to previous statement.

I felt exhausted before I managed to write example :(. Maybe tomorrow.

2026-01-23 21:28

I thought yesterday was bad, but I have not wrote a single character yet. How it is possible to feel exhausted all the time.

2026-01-24 21:00

Today I was reminded again, that 2 hours of activity is all I can do per day. No matter what type is that activity. I was editing complaint to Ombudsman today. So, I feel like it was a bit productive day.

2026-01-27 16:59

The plan - I will sit down, write a short entry

I took a break to look at some videos on Facebook. One of them was this: https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17oeiQ7Gwq/ Another one: https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17e6kvtdwu/ https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1AmtTtokwK/

More, different one: https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17vJzj6GqR/ https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17nn5PprH7/, https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1ABMuinNMr/

I need to start adding links to other useful sites https://www.thewhiteline.org/ goes to To Do

02

2026-02-04 11:26

It is a clear sign of how exhausted I am if all I can manage is to write day and time in my diary entry. I am well aware of deadlines coming up, my low productivity and time passing by. So, I am trying my best, but my energy gets depleted very quickly. Combine it with lack of rest at night and you get the situation I have now: I got up and I am already so exhausted that I need to lie down even before I finished eating breakfast, that was prepared yesterday. After 20 min rest, I took laptop to write this diary entry. It is a minor step but still might be useful.

2026-02-05 18:42

I went to psychologist and then to Newtown Safe Haven at was very close. I was hoping to write an email to Lithuanian police asking if there is any news from investigation into my mom's death. However, I felt so exhausted that I had to rush back home to lie down. I have rested for an hour and wrote this email. Sometimes, you can not prepare to do some things well. So, the best option is just to do it and then look what you to deal with the results.

I had a list of the tasks to do for today. At the end I decided to do the most stressful. I badly can not have any clarity of priorities in my mind right now.

2026-02-08 22:10

I got up exhausted, but with painful insights into my functioning. However, there were few things I had to complete first. I did it only now. But I no longer remember what I wanted to write.

2026-02-18 13:58

The last 10 days I was dealing with the consequences of not being to do the things I wanted to do in the past 11 years, but was not able to do. The only thing I can write is how important it was to do it, but I already know and wrote about some of it. Nothing new to share.

2026-02-23 21:06

I think it is fair to say, that the last few weeks I was avoiding doing stressful tasks because I was feeling overwhelming. However, now it is a time to do this. I told my self this many times. Even now is evening already, but I hope to do at least a little.

2026-02-25 11:22

I have been frustratingly unable to do so many things. I thought I had enough time to do it, but I was not able to. Some tasks I am not even able to start. So, I am updating a bit on what I learned in a hope that it will help me to start next task too Daily functioning tips#Starting the task.

03

2026-03-01 00:49

About an hour ago I opened Facebook for the last look before going to sleep. There was an add by LawPartners saying "if you got injured while cycling contact us", or something like that. I instantly started feeling sick. I went to them 8 years ago and have not recovered yet. The thought that other people might be traumatised by them same as me does not let me to go to sleep, but I am exhausted.

12:46 That was a sleepless night. So many times I had a good plan on how I want to go forward, but something unexpected happened and I was not able to continue. It is to do with my inability to adapt. I have not found a way to deal with it.

18:12 The situation is much worse than I thought. Almost whole day passed and I have done nothing.

2026-03-02 20:27

Lack of sleep is worse than feeling overwhelmed.

2026-03-05 20:24

For at least few weeks I have been feeling worse and worse. There are many valid reasons for this: I have learned that some very important plans of mine most likely will not come true, I am behind my plans and have to give up some goals, the change of the seasons increases feeling of danger as the time of the year when traumas happened. I had to lie down for a bit as I was feeling to exhausted. My bed is still drenched in sweat from last night. Did not dry during the day. I need to change bedlinen, but I have no energy.

2026-03-08 07:38

"I want to die". I do not want to write about anything else. I cannot take more losses. I lost already too much. I have been feeling like this for a while now.

Maybe next time I can write something more useful, but not now. For now, it is only the same phrase.

2026-03-11 10:35

Every night I am in terrible pain of loss. It gets better after I get up. I am still in bed. I feel so bad, that I cannot even write about it.

2026-03-15 14:51

Every time I start thinking that my head started working better I am faced with the fact that it is not. One of the main reasons that I can do something about is PTSD symptoms#Learned helplessness.

2026-03-16 19:18

After late lunch I felt tired. Just could not maintain seated position. So, I went to lie down. I fall asleep almost instantly. Wake up straight away too. I cannot sleep during the day. So, I got up and started preparing doing something useful. All my day so far was only about daily tasks, like making a meal for myself. Where the next two hours went, I do not know. It is very easy to underestimate exhaustion.

2026-03-19 19:02

I had clear plan for today. I will finally write a complaint to health care acreditation service. However, by the time I come back from psychologist I was already tired. Short break, but then I am hungry. Quick meal and then I feel that I am not just tired, I am exhausted. Another break, in my bed, to minimise energy use and I am trying again.

20:27 I do not think I wrote anything new. I just copied text to web site. However, I already have dozed off a dozen of times.

20:59 What a crawl. If I moved forward any slower, then I would be stuck in place.

2026-03-20 16:26

I spilled soup and coffee 2 times - clear evidence that I got way too little sleep. I managed to work for about an hour and that is it. Even the pressure of deadlines does not help.

2026-03-24 12:32

Few days ago I noticed the increase of traffic to the website especially relating to LawPartners scam. However, the next day my site went down for being bombarded by multiple request from few sources: over 100 requests within 1 second. This led to overuse of resources and site not being accessible. The solution was simple, but somehow I was not able to implement it. However, with some help it works now and I am able to write diary entry.

2026-03-26 11:51

Yesterday was one of these days when I felt so tired that opened diary, but could not write anything.

2026-03-27 10:15

There were no diary entries for the last few days because I was tired. I woke up with the dream where I fully recovered and went camping. I cannot do this any-more. Just amount of preparation I took would be too much. I woke up more than an hour ago but feeling of sadness linger.

Yesterday I broke my main glasses. The old ones are not strong enough to see properly. I need to get up. No time to feel sad.

2026-03-31 12:28

It feels good to be able to write diary again. However, that is the only thing that feels good. Yesterday, I realised that I had to do few important calls looking for medical specialist 10 days ago and I have not done it yet. Why? My best guess that this brings memories terrible experience when looking for lawyers. I do not thing that doctors will betray me the same way as lawyers did, but I freeze now anyway before I can even think about taking actions.

04

2026-04-01 09:08

"Just kill yourself" - I could not find another thought in my mind. Just nothing else. My head is not working. This thought was bombarding me all night. First something wrong, something I have or had to do but have not done. Something I would normally be able to do but was not able to do now. I will be a bit more specific, but first a few other things about how I am now and what is happening. I am fully dressed in my bed and under 2 thick blankets, but I am shivering from the cold. I woke up last night at 3:05 and could not fall asleep after it. I tried calling the help line but the wait time was very long. I tried another line but the wait was the same long. I cycled through all techniques, but nothing helped. I just noticed that I am skipping half of the sentence and it is not possible to understand what I want to write. I have to keep running something in the background.

Froze again. There was a bit of comedy. It made me feel better.

I have had trouble sleeping for a few days now. I almost have not done anything yesterday, because I was exhausted. I have no time to cook, luckily I have enough easy to prepare meals. But today I took a few bites, and I no longer want to eat.

OK, so what was going on in my mind all night. I never went to court. I have been hit by a car where the driver told me that he did it on purpose, corrupt policemen made sure that the driver gets away without any consequences, QBE insurance dragged on for 9 years without paying for anything, my lawyers colluded with QBE and misrepresented me, and some government officials. My lawyers are demanding an absurd amount of money. I have many reasons to challenge them in court and yet, I have not done it. I was dreaming of going to court, but I got so discouraged that I no longer believe that I will win.

21:43 I am exhausted and I am ready to go to bed, but I can not. I feel, that I have not done enough.