Diary

I write here about daily challenges I face and how I deal with them. My problems are caused by road traffic injury (info migrated to wiki). However, effects of trauma and PTSD are very similar no matter what is a source of your trauma. I hope it will help you to know what to expect and how to prevent some problems or deal with them when they arise. At least I hope it will at least give you comfort that you are not alone.

About journaling

Lucky there is a lot of good information about journaling and how to do it. I will come back to this later.

Day to day

2023-09-20 10:43

In the last 2 months almost every day I was going to place called Safe Haven. It is a safe, non-judgmental environment for people with significant mental health problems who feel unsafe on their own. It helps me to keep down my hyper vigilance. However, today I decided not to go hoping that I will be able to write a bit more at home. Only I slept very bed tonight. In the morning I wanted to write few thoughts that were haunting me most of the night. In about 15 minutes I was already so tired that not only typing become a challenge, but I could not put my thoughts together. First, I took a break outside, staying in sun, but when it did not help, I used another trick: working in bed (and wrote description of it).

I also wrote about one of the stupid questions/suggestions I get often: " Is it worth it?".

2023-09-23 11:23

I am again working in bed as I was doing in the last few days. I am crawling forward inch by inch. It might seem tempting to say, that I should rest, especially to give my heart some time off. However, it is a bad idea. I need to crawl forward or it will never end. Yet, I need to rest so much...

2023-09-24 17:27

Could not do anything useful today. Had to rest. However, as soon as I rested a bit, I am back to trying to write. I need it to deal with exaggerated legal fees, but also to reduce PTSD symptoms. So, I have no choice I have to invest into it every breath of energy I have even, most of the days the productivity is pathetically low.

2023-09-26 11:52

Skipped only one day. That is good. Tonight I woke up with the feeling of approaching doomsday and desperation. Since the injury everything I do fails to give result. Crap, I been resting all morning and still so tired that can not type.

I took a break later today to fix pedal for my bike. Al I ad to do was to unscrew cap, tighten one bolt and put cap back. However, for no good reason I decided that there were 2 bolts. So, I was trying to remove non-existing bold for some time and damaged threads that I can not put cap back again. How I come up with the idea that there were 2 bolts I do not know. I know only that I should not be taking breaks even if I am so to exhausted that maybe month holidays would be a wonderful thing.

2023-09-27 14:01

Yesterday morning I was feeling that I am doomed. Today I am having even stronger feeling of catastrophe coming. I was thinking why it is so strong. However, today it feels same as it was when I saw the car accelerating towards me and I was completely helpless. I feel same helpless now. That is terrible consequence of trauma, it makes you helpless and no matter how hard you try, you are going to fail. I needed help so bad. I went to The University of New South Wales Legal Centre only to find out that they can not help me. I will write more about it when I have time, right now, I will just add a note for my self.

Reminders how poorly I was functioning in 2018

I am reading emails from 2018. I started reading some emails a year ago, starting from the time of injury in 2015. It is shocking that I was still not able even in 2018 to possess and remember so much information. It is still too painful that it happened to me.

2023-09-28 11:19

Tonight I woke up with such strong panic attack, that my heart was beating so fast, hard and painfully, that with every beat it felt that it might rapture. It took me about 20 min of deep breathing exercise to slow it down. Pain dropped a bit too. That pain is very bad sign. I needed another half an hour body scan and call to life line to get back to bed and finally to sleep.

I am so tired that went to bed in attempt to work here. However, instead I dosed off. It felt like few minutes, but it was 20 min. Yesterday I was reading how I was tired in 2018.

2023-09-29 10:52

I was feeling terrified in the evening and I hardly slept for the last two nights. So, tonight I took Valium. I was told that it is addictive. So, I am taking it only when badly needed. Last night I felt that my heart is going to burst, so tonight I took Valium. I still woke up at about 2:15, but my heart was not racing that much. Could not properly sleep anymore. Got up early hoping to do some work, but now already very tired.

2023-09-30 15:18

I was going to write that tonight I slept even worse than last night, the nightmares I had and that I am feeling more tired than previous day, but now, I have a bit of energy and I better try to be productive. Diary comes later.

2023-10-11 16:30

I had a big scare about the developing problems for my heart. The pain in my heart was getting worse so I went for MRI. It has revealed that I developed 25% cholesterol blockage in some heart arteries. I have very low levels of cholesterol in my blood. I eat healthy diet and all my life I followed very healthy lifestyle. Only after the injury in 2015 I live with PTSD and always at elevated levels of cholesterol in my blood. So, after getting this news I spent most of my time resting. Hopping that it will reduce pain in my heart. To be more precise it was some form of disconnect and disbelieve, but more about it later. The pain did not get much better, but now the anxiety about potential deadlines is coming up. So, I need to do my best to progress with it or I will struggle to deal with anxiety. There were more bad observations to describe, but I do not feel that I have time for it. I am sure I will be reminded of it many times again.

2023-10-15 19:15

I started moving from HTML format to MediaWiki. It was becoming to difficult to keep track of links. I do not know will it help. I can not think. Just had to try something.

I want to write how strongly I wanted to avoid all these problems. I never thought that personal injury lawyers (especially Law Partners) will be bigger problem than insurance (QBE). However, then I thought that every victim of crime says the same. I believe their actions were crime, just I do not have energy to pursue it. You get attacked unexpectedly. So, I have to do my best to defend myself, but it is very difficult.

I probably managed to write less than one hour today.

I will try to start new topic today: Writing a complaint to Office of the NSW Legal Services Commissioner

2023-10-18 10:40

I barely slept today. Shaking in cold because my body is exhausted. My head is not functioning because I am under very high stress, but if I relax even just a little bit, then I will feel so tired that I will not be able to do anything. Unfortunately this is the situation that I am most of the time since the injury.

One of the benefits of moving to Wiki format is that I can link things better. For example, I decided now to add few notes about daily functioning tips. Well I will start it now. However, this way I will avoid possible duplication. Because of my very bad memory I do repeat some tasks many times, including writing some ideas :(.

2023-10-20 12:40

I was so tired, that wrote only title. It happens sometimes

2023-10-22 9:45

New day and I try again. Was trembling again from fear at night. Had to call lifeline to be able to fall asleep. Shaking now. However, still forced myself to go outside and view at light in the morning. Several minutes later I was already very tired, before I even had breakfast. Had coffee, did not help. I am falling asleep if I close my eyes. I am trying working in bed now. Has fallen asleep very soon even just for few minutes. I doubt I managed to put an hour of work today :(.

2023-10-24 11:41

Tonight woke up with severe heart pain and could not fall asleep after it. The pain was as if someone was as if someone is stabbing me directly into my heart from front, just no pain before ribs. There was also another stabbing pain coming from top of left shoulder blades and going to my heart. At night I was thinking it will be very stupid if I die or develop serious physical health problem because of the stress.

During the day now I am panicking that I am not working hard enough on complaint against Moya, as it is hardly moving forward and time is passing by.

My stress levels are so high now, that it overrides exhaustion. Unfortunately, it also reduces my ability to think. I feel that all the time I only complain and try to calm down, but never are able to be productive. While at the same time I am aware that the only thing that counts is being productive.

2023-10-26

I am freezing in fear. Tonight I was panicking and dripping in sweat again, and when I finally managed to calm down a bit I was freezing. I should write one day about this phenomena, but no energy or time now. Need to go back to complaint about Moya and I am struggling with it.