Trauma

For the last 8 years I live in agony. In the morning when it is time to get up I do not want to get up; I have not slept properly, and I am exhausted. I am controlled by fear. I am scared to do the things I have to do and I freeze in fear when I try to do them. I know I am going to fail as I failed so much in last 8 years and now there is no way to fix it. I can try to fix only the last few failures, but it feels impossible. I am being crushed by corrupt system.

However, it does not have to be this way. I wish I could help any other injured person to avoid all this agony, as I wish someone would have helped me. But I was not able to find help. I am not in position to help others yet, as I need help myself. However, I can share my story and I hope it can help. What I have wrote so far would have helped me a lot already. All this site is about helping other people to avoid same agony as I am still going through.

For information how to deal with police, insurance and other related stuff, please read road traffic injury.

For information about the trauma, consequent Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, its affects and how you can reduce risk and impact of it, please continue reading this page. Trauma and its impact are getting studied better and there is more information about it, comparing to what I was able to find when I got injured. I collect useful links in a separate page Trauma related resources and Daily functioning tips.

Physical brain injury

I just got confirmation that I have physical brain injury. I wish I find out earlier. I am not ready to talk about it yet.

Physical injuries

I wrote about my physical injuries before. I just need to move it from previous version of web sites. However, I wanted to mention one injury tinnitus - ringing in the ears.

How trauma affects you

Trauma effects can be different, but unfortunately in my case it lead to PTSD. While it is becoming better understood and documented in recent times I found it still important to dedicate a separate page about PTSD symptoms.

Impact of lost time and abilities

As a result of trauma I have already lost 9 years of my life and there will be a lot more time lost in the future. I lost my skills and so much time and efforts invested in developing all my skills are lost. One the things I have not expected that it will effect how I view my past decisions. The good decision to develop my skills now become mistakes as I never was able to properly use them. The opportunities that let to pass in past now become major mistakes as when it was expected that new opportunities will come, but things changed. Of course I could never predicted these things and you can not live every day feeling scared that your the life will end tomorrow. Unfortunately, trauma it affects you so, that you fill guild for the decisions that were right at that time. The best way to explain this how it makes me feel is by this example.

When good decision turns to disaster

Lets say you have appointment somewhere. You need wait there and there is place that sell sandwiches. You are offered to buy one for your lunch after appointment. Sandwiches do not look appetising and is a nice place to have lunch nearby. During appointment, completely unexpectedly, you were transported to remote location and end up in place from where you can not get out. You need to survive for 2 weeks to get out. However, starvation weakens you so much that you can not escape even when opportunity arrives. Then the decision not to buy sandwich comes a price to save your life.

Of course the situation and blaming your self is absurd. There is no way you could have predicted such unlikely scenario. However, this is what PTSD does to you. You start blaming yourself, for the things you could not expected. It takes a lot of energy trying to prevent going down this spiral. When you are asleep, you lose control and get dragged down. Then I wake up regretting decisions that were good a time, but because of the injury and loss they become disasters.

I am tired now and my capacity to tell the story does not give justice to it. I am struggling to find right words. However, I thought I will write it anyway. I will come back to it at some time. Also probably it would be better to move it to PTSD symptoms.

Chronic stress

Trauma or PTSD almost certainly causes chronic stress. Sometimes it is called prolonged stress. There are many ways that chronic stress damages health. I want to start with few that are significant, yet was not expected.

Heart damage

There two ways that I did not expected or recognised till it started causing significant pain in my heart. Even when I went with the pain to see GP I was advised that pain is not coming from my heat and I should not be concerned. The pain proved to be coming from my heart and sign of very serious problems. One of the parts mechanistic explanation of these problems is chronic high levels of cortisol that is caused by PTSD.

Overworking heart

The problems is that high level of chronic stress, especially hyper-vigilance, causes very heart beat rate. The heart is working very hard without getting proper rest. This is especially bad during the night, when heart is meant to rest and recover, but instead is working at the level of very exhausting physical activity. I did not notice it properly for a very long time till my heart started hurting very bad.

I try to keep now my heart rate below 100 beats per minute at the times when I am not physically active. Even with the help of medication it does not always work. However, it reduced heat pain from the feeling that it is going to burst at any moment now and as if I am being stabbed with knifes to the level when pain is tolerable most of the time.

Plague build

Chronically high levels of cortisol damages heart arteries walls. Cholesterol sticks to these damaged places in attempt to repair. Immune system attacks cholesterol build attempt to increase blood flow. This forms plague. There is a risk of plague erupting and causing blood clock and complete artery blockage.

There is no cure, but reducing chronically high levels of cortisol may reduce further build up.

The same problem is exist no matter what is a reasons for high level or cortisol. There is medication that can reduce high levels of cortisol caused by problems in adrenal glands. Unfortunately it does not problems caused to the heart.

This is very simple version of explanation. I was told longer version by cardiologist and other medical specialist. I also read further about it in various sources including publicly available scientific publications. Adding references is in To Do#Health list.

I have 25% blockage in my heart arteries while having only one risk factor - chronic stress from PTSD.

You need help

After getting hit by a car I learned about corruption in police, negligence of medical professionals, evil insurance company and scamming solicitors. I was very capable person before, who was going through challenges like they were easy, but now I was easily manipulated, lied and abused. After trauma you will need help, there is very high chance you will not be able to cope with it on your own.

Over time I found some things that were useful, and I would like to share it with you:

• Trauma related resources

Price of giving up

The most common advice I got was give up and move on. These were the people who do not want to help you (too lazy or do not want you to succeed) and giving advice that seems the best for them at the time. However, it is a terrible way to go. You cannot ignore trauma. It does not work this way. The price of giving up is your life. You will not be able to sleep, relax, focus, or do the things you used to do. You will need to go back and address it or live the rest of your life in miserable existence.

Treatment

How long is a journey?

I do not know. I started getting PTSD focused treatment at the end of 2019. Very soon I have learned about the need to process trauma and how to bring memories in controlled way. Since then, I been doing it every day. There is some progress, but it is slow. For about 3 years I am spending all my time and energy on this. I do not know how long it will take, but I do not have other option. I need my life back. BTW I am also going through the Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. It takes very long time, but it is working.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

EMDR is therapy with psychologist that helps for some memories to be less intrusive and triggering. It is quite simple. I am seeing one at Birchtree clinic. They specialize in trauma treatment.

Diary

Journaling is one of the useful tools while dealing with PTSD, brain injury or many other mental health challenges. I place my Diary online with the thought that it might help other people facing similar challenges.