Diary

I was discouraged from putting my diary online. There were many benefits for doing journaling. One of the disadvantages is that I may not be able to write about the things that involve other people. The decision is based on the same question: would it help me if I read someone else diary when I got injured? There is a good chance it would. So, you are welcome to read it.

I write here about daily challenges I face and how I deal with them. Some strategies I collect at Daily functioning tips. My problems are caused by 2015-03-30 road traffic injury. However, effects of trauma and PTSD are very similar no matter what is a source of your trauma. I hope it will help you to know what to expect and how to prevent some problems or deal with them when they arise. At least I hope it will at least give you comfort that you are not alone.

About journaling

Lucky there is a lot of good information about journaling and how to do it. I will come back to this later.

2023

09

2023-09-20 10:43

In the last 2 months almost every day I was going to place called Safe Haven. It is a safe, non-judgmental environment for people with significant mental health problems who feel unsafe on their own. It helps me to keep down my hyper vigilance. However, today I decided not to go hoping that I will be able to write a bit more at home. Only I slept very bed tonight. In the morning I wanted to write few thoughts that were haunting me most of the night. In about 15 minutes I was already so tired that not only typing become a challenge, but I could not put my thoughts together. First, I took a break outside, staying in sun, but when it did not help, I used another trick: working in bed (and wrote description of it).

I also wrote about one of the stupid questions/suggestions I get often: " Is it worth it?".

2023-09-23 11:23

I am again working in bed as I was doing in the last few days. I am crawling forward inch by inch. It might seem tempting to say, that I should rest, especially to give my heart some time off. However, it is a bad idea. I need to crawl forward or it will never end. Yet, I need to rest so much...

2023-09-24 17:27

Could not do anything useful today. Had to rest. However, as soon as I rested a bit, I am back to trying to write. I need it to deal with exaggerated legal fees, but also to reduce PTSD symptoms. So, I have no choice I have to invest into it every breath of energy I have even, most of the days the productivity is pathetically low.

2023-09-26 11:52

Skipped only one day. That is good. Tonight I woke up with the feeling of approaching doomsday and desperation. Since the injury everything I do fails to give result. Crap, I been resting all morning and still so tired that can not type.

I took a break later today to fix pedal for my bike. Al I ad to do was to unscrew cap, tighten one bolt and put cap back. However, for no good reason I decided that there were 2 bolts. So, I was trying to remove non-existing bold for some time and damaged threads that I can not put cap back again. How I come up with the idea that there were 2 bolts I do not know. I know only that I should not be taking breaks even if I am so to exhausted that maybe month holidays would be a wonderful thing.

2023-09-27 14:01

Yesterday morning I was feeling that I am doomed. Today I am having even stronger feeling of catastrophe coming. I was thinking why it is so strong. However, today it feels same as it was when I saw the car accelerating towards me and I was completely helpless. I feel same helpless now. That is terrible consequence of trauma, it makes you helpless and no matter how hard you try, you are going to fail. I needed help so bad. I went to The University of New South Wales Legal Centre only to find out that they can not help me. I will write more about it when I have time, right now, I will just add a note for my self.

Reminders how poorly I was functioning in 2018

I am reading emails from 2018. I started reading some emails a year ago, starting from the time of injury in 2015. It is shocking that I was still not able even in 2018 to possess and remember so much information. It is still too painful that it happened to me.

2023-09-28 11:19

Tonight I woke up with such strong panic attack, that my heart was beating so fast, hard and painfully, that with every beat it felt that it might rapture. It took me about 20 min of deep breathing exercise to slow it down. Pain dropped a bit too. That pain is very bad sign. I needed another half an hour body scan and call to life line to get back to bed and finally to sleep.

I am so tired that went to bed in attempt to work here. However, instead I dosed off. It felt like few minutes, but it was 20 min. Yesterday I was reading how I was tired in 2018.

2023-09-29 10:52

I was feeling terrified in the evening and I hardly slept for the last two nights. So, tonight I took Valium. I was told that it is addictive. So, I am taking it only when badly needed. Last night I felt that my heart is going to burst, so tonight I took Valium. I still woke up at about 2:15, but my heart was not racing that much. Could not properly sleep anymore. Got up early hoping to do some work, but now already very tired.

2023-09-30 15:18

I was going to write that tonight I slept even worse than last night, the nightmares I had and that I am feeling more tired than previous day, but now, I have a bit of energy and I better try to be productive. Diary comes later.

10

2023-10-11 16:30

I had a big scare about the developing problems for my heart. The pain in my heart was getting worse so I went for MRI. It has revealed that I developed 25% cholesterol blockage in some heart arteries. I have very low levels of cholesterol in my blood. I eat healthy diet and all my life I followed very healthy lifestyle. Only after the injury in 2015 I live with PTSD and always at elevated levels of cholesterol in my blood. So, after getting this news I spent most of my time resting. Hopping that it will reduce pain in my heart. To be more precise it was some form of disconnect and disbelieve, but more about it later. The pain did not get much better, but now the anxiety about potential deadlines is coming up. So, I need to do my best to progress with it or I will struggle to deal with anxiety. There were more bad observations to describe, but I do not feel that I have time for it. I am sure I will be reminded of it many times again.

2023-10-15 19:15

I started moving from HTML format to MediaWiki. It was becoming to difficult to keep track of links. I do not know will it help. I can not think. Just had to try something.

I want to write how strongly I wanted to avoid all these problems. I never thought that personal injury lawyers (especially Law Partners) will be bigger problem than insurance (QBE). However, then I thought that every victim of crime says the same. I believe their actions were crime, just I do not have energy to pursue it. You get attacked unexpectedly. So, I have to do my best to defend myself, but it is very difficult.

I probably managed to write less than one hour today.

I will try to start new topic today: Writing a complaint to Office of the NSW Legal Services Commissioner

2023-10-18 10:40

I barely slept today. Shaking in cold because my body is exhausted. My head is not functioning because I am under very high stress, but if I relax even just a little bit, then I will feel so tired that I will not be able to do anything. Unfortunately this is the situation that I am most of the time since the injury.

One of the benefits of moving to Wiki format is that I can link things better. For example, I decided now to add few notes about daily functioning tips. Well I will start it now. However, this way I will avoid possible duplication. Because of my very bad memory I do repeat some tasks many times, including writing some ideas :(.

2023-10-20 12:40

I was so tired, that wrote only title. It happens sometimes

2023-10-22 9:45

New day and I try again. Was trembling again from fear at night. Had to call lifeline to be able to fall asleep. Shaking now. However, still forced myself to go outside and view at light in the morning. Several minutes later I was already very tired, before I even had breakfast. Had coffee, did not help. I am falling asleep if I close my eyes. I am trying working in bed now. Has fallen asleep very soon even just for few minutes. I doubt I managed to put an hour of work today :(.

2023-10-24 11:41

Tonight woke up with severe heart pain and could not fall asleep after it. The pain was as if someone was as if someone is stabbing me directly into my heart from front, just no pain before ribs. There was also another stabbing pain coming from top of left shoulder blades and going to my heart. At night I was thinking it will be very stupid if I die or develop serious physical health problem because of the stress.

During the day now I am panicking that I am not working hard enough on complaint against Moya, as it is hardly moving forward and time is passing by.

My stress levels are so high now, that it overrides exhaustion. Unfortunately, it also reduces my ability to think. I feel that all the time I only complain and try to calm down, but never are able to be productive. While at the same time I am aware that the only thing that counts is being productive.

2023-10-26

I am freezing in fear. Tonight I was panicking and dripping in sweat again, and when I finally managed to calm down a bit I was freezing. I should write one day about this phenomena, but no energy or time now. Need to go back to complaint about Moya and I am struggling with it.

2023-10-27 18:43

Yesterday, I was only on task, continue with complaint about Moya. So today I had a look at my yesterdays heart rate. It was constantly fluctuating between 75 and 125. I am on the same task today. My heart is hurting bad. The problem is that trying to move to other things or even rest hurts even more. However, I am feeling usual, so had a look at my heart rate: 126! Straight to breathing exercises.

2023-10-28 12:59

Yesterday evening watched about half of the move, to calm down in the evening. I was exhausted yet, very agitated from the things I have been writing down. It has been about a month since I watched anything to rest. Yet, anxiety and feeling of danger started building up. Can not rest. Night was difficult again and now I am so tired that have not started doing anything useful yet.

I am finishing second cup of coffee, had a walk, eat jalapenos and even lie down for 20 min. Nothing helps, I am still so tired, that as soon as start typing I feel like collapsing. Yet, time is passing by and I need to push forward.

It is so difficult to write when you believe that you will not succeed.

11

2023-10-29 11:36

I am more tired in the morning than I was in the evening. I need a break and improve my sleeping it is not sustainable, not even for a day.

2023-10-31 11:43

This morning I thought I will spend a bit more time outside. Set clock to 30 min. Apparently that was enough only to eat breakfast and water plants. That was all morning energy, slowly regaining energy now, but third of the day already passed.

Just have to add to notes one PIC Assessment Conference 2023-06-28 and Daily functioning tips#Doing something despite overwhelming fear when you have to do things.

2023-11-02 13:59

Yesterday I was resting most of the day. Same goes for today as for the last two nights I hardly could sleep. Stupid flashbacks and nightmares. Being crushed by car is back. I thought I am done with it. Two days ago, I finished one complaint and thought I will rest for a bit. Apparently suspended emotions flooded big time.

2023-11-08 11:57

I am very busy trying to fix problems caused by solicitors and basically have not time for anything else. However, today I am going to do something a bit easier. I am going to write about help I was able to find when I was not able to cope "when you cannot cope".

2023-11-22 14:37

Struggling, struggling, struggling. I have a lot to do at least trying to minimize legal fees, but still freezing in place. Neither time or world cares how you feel. Tomorrow will depended what you did today and I am struggling.

During about week time I managed to mix 3 dates of appointments despite having written down and having reminders.

2023-11-27 12:39

I just ended very surprising call. I thought I need to write about it: When scammers are more decent than QBE insurance or some personal injury lawyers.

12

2023-12-03 12:25

New day new pain. Can not focus, can not start my day. I regret my choice of solicitors so much. However, I have no clue how to avoid being manipulated by them. The promises one thing and do another.

2023-12-04 19:00

Often, I feel that I spend all my time and energy just defending myself. I am not creating anything new. This is absolutely opposite to the way I used to be before the injury. I feel it especially strong today as I was advised to send and offer to Moya de Luca-Leonard offering way more than I was prepared too. However, there were some rules, fees, risks and few things happened not the way I expected. If she accepts the offer, I did not ever expect it before, all the time and effort I spent preparing for supreme court cost assessment is for nothing. I think counting my wife's and my time (even so my productivity is very low) it is several months of work. I think I prepared (not finished, but not much left) very strong case that are exaggerated at least few times. However, I am not sure what happens if she accepts my offer. Can I still go to cost assessment? To be honest I do not know.

2023-12-05 12:56

Often the only way to do something is to feel the stress of not doing it at full strength. Then it has a power for a short time to overcome the fear generated by PTSD. However, it is very exhausting. Now after completing task, well actually only part of it, I can no longer stay active. I dosed of already several times today. Just cannot stay awake and active.

Apparently, I dosed off again while writing this diary and woke up terrified from simple SMS message notification from phone. It feels like it will never end.

2023-12-10 11:33

For few days I had to make some hard decisions. There was no time even for diary. I am constantly reminded that things could have been so much easier if I chosen different solicitor.

Tonight after 3h of sleep I woke up feeling such heave heart pain, that it was not possible to go back to sleep. Calls to help lines (Men's Line) help to get by, but it is a terrible living. I remembered how many lies were told by Ceballos and how they were not disputed and taken into account by PIC assessment. I will never be able to feel safe unless I find a way to defend my self.

2023-12-12 09:53

So tired, slept max 3h. However, I have to persist. So, today's task is to document that Law Partners personal injury firm exaggerated their fees by $3210.01 just by simply incorrectly adding numbers.

It is horrible how tired I am today. I just dozed off again. I did very little today. I cannot remember the dream, only tiny bit. I am in a forest, back in Lithuania. It is summer and forest is full of life. Suddenly everything goes quiet and starts getting dark. I hear some whisper in my ears "they are going to take 9 years of your life". I want to scream no and turn to defend myself. I wake up with the NO stuck in my throat. I sit down still in the same turning motion. "Shit, they took 9 years of my life" runs in my head. I am so tired. Every move is a pain. I get up as fast as I can and go to kitchen. I eat two slices of jalapenos. I need to work. I need to keep on writing how unfair Law Partners bill is.

2023-12-19 15:05

I feel so pushed by time that I cannot even write diary. I was planning to start exercising more and spending a bit more time on easy tasks, but legal problems related to my injury compensation claim are becoming urgent again.

2023-12-27 17:45

People are asking what are you going to do during Christmas break. I will work on Analysis of Law Partners itemized bill. Why - because it keeps me awake at night. It feeds the feeling of danger. I hate that I have spent time on them, but there is no other way to feel safer (or at least this feels like a right way to go).

I am again out of energy. Have not even started working on bill. It is a good time to update list of ways Daily functioning tips#Pushing forward when you have no energy.

2023-12-28 17:20

I wrote only few lines today, but already so tired, that I hardly can manage to type.

2023-12-29 17:17

I tried to avoid calling help lines today when I woke up at night. Instead took some melatonin. Bad idea. Ended up not being able to fall asleep. Felt very tired, but still could not overcome hypervigilance. Extreme tiredness causes anger bursts. So, about 9:00 in the morning I got so angry with my eye patch that torn it apart. Yet, need to focus now. So, plate of jalapenos and back to analysis of Law Partners itemised bill. The only problem that my head is not working properly and I may make some mistakes, miss important bits and what I write may not be clear.

One thing is clear I need tools for these things. However, right now I do not have time to develop it and I am not sure would I be able to. One day.

2023-12-30 11:32

Another night struggling to sleep. I am thinking about irony, I needed to go to court because I was injured and I have PTSD, but I was not able to go to court I was injured and I have PTSD.

2024

01

2024-01-02 11:45

Few more tips to Daily functioning tips: Writing a diary and Playing some sounds.

2024-01-04 15:53

Yesterday, was probably the only time when I took whole day off in more than a year. I planed to take half day off, but we got stuck in traffic and I was to tired to read. The rest of the time every awake minute I am focused on two tasks healing and dealing with QBE insurance. Unfortunately, I am exhausted almost all the time and have to take many breaks, or my body will fail and all is lost if you were dead.

I met my wife's friend who at some point asked how were my attempts to come back to work. I told about my problems, feeling tired being one of them. She asked me maybe it is because I am no longer used to work and it will get better in time. I know she meant well trying to encourage that if you come back to something after long break it might be hard. However, I did not take break. I was working very hard during last 9 years. Much harder than ever before, and very likely much harder than she ever worked or will work in her life. However, I do not know her story that well, I am not the one to judge. My anger was not about her. It was about PIC member from PIC Assessment Conference 2023-06-28 and his verbal attack on my experience and skills. I was feeling angry at the person who was trying to help me because of abuse I suffered before. The memories from assessment were hunting me whole night. I am so tired now, that every keystroke is an effort.

2024-01-06 12:46

Since I got tribunal result I have not slept a single night for longer than 3h in a row. I doubt the was a single night when I slept more than 5 hours. I wake up every night in such strong threat response mode, that I am not able to fall asleep without calling help line. I got up 3 hours ago, but only now I am able to start doing something.

Whole night I just wanted to curl into the ball and hide in the corner. All the time I was listening to the noises outside to make sure that someone is not sneaking into the unit. I checked it few times. It is craze, as I never had an intruder, I was hit by a car on the road. Yet, can not feel safe at home. I am going to see psychologist today. I was thinking that when I go there I will lie down on the floor just for a short time. So, that just for a short time I can feel safe.

2024-01-08 11:39

Due to exhaustion and lack of sleep I felt sick this morning. Had to back to bed and tried to sleep. Actually, managed to sleep about 40 min. Feeling a bit better now. It reminded me about my journey, when several years ago the only coping strategy that was working was avoidance. Good time to write few notes about How long is a journey?.

2024-01-09 11:19

I woke up tonight at 1:30 and was not able to fall asleep again. I listen to meditation, made a call to help line, took melatonin, ate a little, even tried to exercise a little. Nothing helped. As soon as I am about to fall asleep, I was get hit by flash back of being hit by a car. For many years I had a hope to go to court and I will have a chance to tell the truth and dispute lies by QBE, especially, by their solicitor Timothy Ceballos. However, after very corrupt and unfair tribunal I was so overwhelmed, that could not function and had to accept its decision. However, I am finding it impossible to live with it. I need to work on Analysis of Law Partners itemised bill, but I cannot get out of the bad. I have no energy left.

Actually, when I try to think the only thought that comes to my mind is "I want to die". However, it is not true. I just do not see any hope anymore. There is some leftover of me before the injury, that desperately tries to improve situation. There is tiny voice, more like an instinct or reflex that says do not let any second of your life go to waste, if you cannot do this, then try writing your story. So, maybe for an hour I will be working on page 2015-03-30 road traffic injury.

2024-01-10 16:16

Did not sleep again. Have to take breaks again before I can even think about Law Partners bill. I will try to add more on 2015-03-30 road traffic injury. Maintaining my self on chili. Coffee stopped helping long time ago. Only pain can allow to focus even if for a few minutes.

2024-01-16 10:49

Since the injury I have not upgraded my computers. As a result all the remaining have some hardware faults and are very old. Today browsers were crashing all the time. I could not open a single page. One of possibilities is memory errors (sounds familiar). After several restarts and some attempts to run tests (missed to press Shift key on time) browser started working suddenly. I am not investigating further and I will go back to Analysis of Law Partners itemised bill. You can not believe how much I hate brining back these memories of abuse and betrayal, but I need to process it.

2024-01-20 19:07

I so would like to have a day off. I had one last year and 2 two years ago. Otherwise I take breaks only when I can no longer to continue. However, now some extra slices of chili and I should be able to do something. I feel burning sensation on my lips. I try to focus on it. However, there is also urge to cough. I hope I did not catch some nasty virus. It would be difficult to fight it off. I assume my immune system is very weak now.

2024-01-21 12:31

Very difficult day. I need to start writing about PIC tribunal, but it is so stressful, that I can not prevent my head from going to shutdown. Whole morning one loop: siting down, getting to stressed and going back to breathing exercises. So, far 0 productivity.

Everything feels so catastrophic. I tried to take a break and check my bicycle, but could not. Feels like I am ignoring deadly threat, but not looking at the ways to justice about very unfair tribunal.

2024-01-23- 17:55

Second day I am being controlled by panic attacks. So, not only I have to deal with them, but my head is not working so, I had to triple check everything I do and still I am not sure will any of it will be useful.

02

2024-02-11 12:37

Nothing substitutes sleep

2024-02-14 15:17

I just had a visit at cardiologist. It is generally good news as my LDL cholesterol levels were down. Diet works. However, it could be even lower. Heart pain remains a problem. So, now I am feeling sleepy and tired, but I thought I will try to write a bit more for complaint on the fees. My watch buzzed. I checked my heart rate is at 118 beats per minute. How this is even possible? I am almost dosing off because of almost sleepless night before. Back to breathing exercises and it is now 68. I wonder what will happen when I try to write again.

2024-02-17 12:21

I have few days to complete writing complaint about

2024-02-21 12:29

2 days ago, I submitted complaint about [[1]]. I thought I will take a break for one day and then continue working again. I was planning to do some daily tasks that were piling up but was so tired that hardly did anything. I need to continue working today, but I am dosing off constantly. My head is dizzy, and thoughts were sluggish.

2024-02-27 18:43

Every night when I can not sleep after some time you start to think. One of the horrifying thoughts is that 9 years has passed since the injury and I have not recovered yet. Well the problem is that not being able to sleep, being at the edge all time I have very little energy left for anything else. So, today I have been reading a bit, less than half an hour. Have not even started writing yet, but I am already so tired that even pressing a single key is an effort. Almost every word keys get mixed up and I need to repeat it.

03

2024-03-06 12:54

It is difficult to find time to write diary even if I find it useful. I feel furious now about some PTSD symptoms#memory blocks but it is still better as I was feeling terrified since I found them again. However, even feeling terrified, with my thoughts scattered all over I can offer only one advice Daily functioning tips#Do things that are most important.

2024-03-12 13:36

For almost 3 weeks I am on one task: collecting information about my chances to go to court against Law Partners.

I wanted to add some information about living in survival mode, but I thought I wrote it before. While I was looking for it I got so exhausted that I have not finished.

2024-03-13 12:04

I slept so bad last night, that when I was ready to go this morning I had to change my mind and stay at home. I tried to sleep. I fall asleep in few minutes, but woke up same quickly all hyper alert. After listening for some time convinced my self that very dim noises are coming from neighbours. Fall asleep, and woke up again. Stayed in bed just resting, not even thinking, till 12:00.

New plan. Jalapenos will come into play. So far, not so good. I am making typo in every second word. Just can not control fingers properly.

Yesterday, I was looking at Disability Support Pension (DSP) application. One of the questions was: did I use any employment services in the last past 3 years? Apparently it is one of the requirements to apply for DSP. I got overwhelmed then. Because I was feeling very financially insecure after the injury I was trying to get back to work as soon as possible. I put a lot of effort into it. I did not know that you can not split or direct some of your energy to something else when you are in survival mode.

2024-03-20 14:29

Time is ticking and I am not doing anything. It has been a month since I did something useful. I am trying every day, but I can not get any result. I am so tired and my head is not working so bad, that I am not getting any result. Just stress is building up and nothing is helping.

I know that this might be related to change of the season and my body remembers very well when I got injured. It all make sense from evolution point of view, but it is too much. Being frozen in fear does not increase my survival either.

2024-03-24 18:28

I do not have energy for whole day. Have not done anything I was planing, but at least I will write the first bit I thought about tonight: Tinnitus.

2024-03-27 11:16

I am flicking between shutdown (freeze/fawn) when I am dozing off constantly or panic attack (flight) when I am hardly controlling nausea. I have not been able physically make a phone call to solicitors for 5 weeks and only yesterday asked support worker to do it for me. I should have asked 5 weeks ago. And only after he suggested. I actually wanted to ask for his help as it did help before, but was not able to do so. This is a fawn/freeze response in its full power.

04

2024-04-10 11:08

I stayed at home today. My hope was that if I do not go to safe haven, maybe I will save the energy I use to cycle there and will be able to do something useful instead. Did not work. I am exhausted despite if I cycle or not.

I just realized, that I have been in this status for a long time: pushing myself as hard as I can to move forward and not being able to do so. I tried so many techniques to help me with this and the best options I have so far are at level "it might help a bit sometimes".

2024-04-19 10:12

I have straight task what I want to do today. I open computer and before I even manage to navigate to the document I wanted to open I am already so tired all I want to do is to go to lie down. My nerve system is exhausted and can not deal with any mental task.

2024-04-25 11:38

I just noticed that I missed the start of new month. I lost a hope that there will be a morning when I will feel rested.

2024-04-28 17:02

I have decided to remove this part of my diary entry. I keep it another place. I do mention other people in it and I did not ask for permission. There were things that need to be kept public, but this is not the case. Maybe I will put it back after talking to them.

2024-04-29 10:48

Sometimes when I am heavily stressed I can shift from shutdown (freeze of fawn) mode to fight/flight mode. However, now it seems even this is not working. I managed to make 2 short phone calls and I am exhausted again.

I was planing to write about my latest biggest failure, just seem not to be able to hit correct keyboard keys :(.

05

2024-05-03 16:17

I was going to remove previous line, but decided to keep it. I started writing diary, but could not start even single line. Why writing requires so much more nerve energy than talking?

2024-05-21 17:26

Sometimes I am exhausted whole day, but by the evening I somehow get a bit of energy and I am able to do at least some daily tasks. This is not happening now and I went through all usual methods to get some energy.

I also noticed, that is has been more than two weeks since the last diary entry. This is a long time to have productivity close to 0.

2024-05-22 14:50

I am going to try to write at least short entry in diary every day. There is this idea that regular entries on their own can help anchor yourself better to present moment and reduce sensations of incoming threat. It does make sense at least in some degree, so I will try to stick with it for a while again.

There is of course question of priorities then as just writing diary entry takes too much time and energy. However, I will try to stick with idea that it will pay back after some time. With all other tasks I apply only one criterion: is it absolutely necessary to do it now. If it is not, then it can wait!

2024-05-27 11:44

I do not know where 5 days gone. I woke up tonight in panic mode after only 2 hours of sleep. I do not remember what I was dreaming about, but latter I was flooded with memories of things I have lost. At that time, I had to do not very much to save the situation but was not able to. Now it is too late. Then memories of the things I had to do now, and it might be too late started coming to my mind. Crap. I am very tired. I typed 3 sentences and my nerve system are so tired that I started missing keys and hitting my fingers. Yet, nobody cares how you do and tomorrow will better only be based on how much you can do today. I have been tired for the last 9 years. I cannot expect to have a rest and feel better tomorrow.

2024-05-28 07:55

Another sleepless night. I cannot sleep. Woke up maybe after 40 min of sleep. I had short dream that I have not been injured. I hate these dreams. It is lost and no longer possible. Then could not fall asleep. Had to stay awake to protect my life. It changed over time, from being ready to avoid oncoming car, to currently doing the things that would make me feel safer. I am so tired, that I can feel how every bit of my body is tired.

Short break and then I am going to touch on few topics, that I believe are symptoms of PTSD: feeling worthless.

Then I will need to work on other things.

2024-05-29 10:51

It took me 2 hours in the morning to calm my self enough that I can start writing. And about 5 minutes till I started feeling so tired, that I can not continue.

Also, I was still not able to write what I have planed yesterday. In addition to that I learned that several emails I wrote to PIC I wrote to no-reply email address. No surprise I got no reply.

06

2024-06-02 21:29

I was so tired that could not do anything over weekend. On Saturday I was just resting till I went to anxiety group. When I come back, I was already so tired that did not do anything else.

Today, I went to shop to buy pants resistant to water. It has been on the list for a long time. However, lately I got wet through several times and it is cold. So, I am risking of getting sick. I can not remember have I bought any item of clothing in the last 9 years. One shopping trip and I am done for the day.

2024-06-03 19:59

It is absurd how even after 9 years the animal instinct that night is dangerous is so prevalent that I after waking up at night I struggle to fall back to sleep. I was not able to fall asleep tonight form 3:00 till 8:30. Only when I had a feeling that day started fully the demand of to stay alert weakened enough that exhaustion took over and I had 2 hours of sleep.

Again I had a dream about what my life would be if there was no injury and wake up with huge feeling of loss and regret. More about it Impact of lost time and abilities.

2024-06-05 11:04

Yesterday, I was very tired because previous night I slept very bad. I managed to go to one meeting for one hour with my support worker and that was all I managed to do yesterday. Well I did punctured my bicycle tire also as being so tired I was to slow to react that I am approaching road edge to fast and hit curb to hard. I ridden that part many times before, but lack of sleep makes me fail even simple things. I have a pile of punctured bicycle tubes as I also somehow lost capacity to glue holes.

This morning I realised that it is June already and I am still on the same tasks I was hoping to finish last year August.

2024-06-06 19:52

Last night was terrible. Was jumping from slightest noise as if my life is in danger. My best guess is that it might be related to the post I have seen about road collision in Sydney northern beaches. Two cyclists severally injured.

Already the usual thing continues. I have energy for 2 hours even if the task is simple.

2024-06-06 19:52

Often when asked if I feel depressed, I will answer no. There were two reasons for it: in a past after the injury even if I had PTSD, I was not feeling depressed. Another reason is that fear is such strong overriding feeling that I cannot feel anything else, just fear. However, now I am depressed and sometime is breaks through and I feel so down, that it is hard even to describe it.

2024-06-07 19:31

About this time of the day all my energy is completely depleted and I can no longer prevent flood of thoughts, regrets and grief of everything I lost. It will stay like this till tomorrow lunch time.

2024-06-09 11:48

By the time I have finished my breakfast I was already so tired that I had to go to lie down. All I did was to reheat yesterdays meal and eat. Also what has happened to yesterday. It feel that one day is missing again.

2024-06-10 21:07

Day is over and I have not done anything I was planing too. Well the only excuse it that I am feeling a bit ill, there is a chance that I caught some cold virus.

2024-06-11 10:36

If you ask me at night what year it is, or what year I remember the last I would say 2016 or 2015. At the time I am writing it is 2024. How and why did I get stuck in 2016 or 2015? 2015 is clear as I got injured then. However, I had some emotional resilience and managed to avoid complete shutdown for some time. The memories after the injury are very fractured, but they still carry on till 2016. Last night, after 2h of sleep, I remembered what is the last thing I remember from 2016. I hate QBE so much now. Then next memory is from the end of 2017. After this despite of all my attempts I was not able to fall back to sleep. Any time I was close to falling asleep the feeling of mortal danger would hit me and I am awake again.

2024-06-13 14:29

It is now past midday before I managed to write first line. Despite this the focus remains to do as much as possible every day even if I have not done anything today yet.

2024-06-14 20:58

This is a bad day. I remember well morning, but then I felt tired and strong pain in my heart. I was trying to rest, but no energy at all and pain did not slow down. Sid down here only to write at least one entry.

Few, remembered to change date after copy-pasting title.

2024-06-15 18:46

New plan. I realised I am behind again with some basic tasks. So, now I had to change priorities on what to focus on first. At least it is a bit clearer now.

2024-06-16 12:30

Few hours of sleep as soon as your body capable to be awake I stay awake. Finished the breakfast after 9:00 and sleep kicks in. Back to dreams that injury did not happen. Waking up a lot still stayed in bad another 2 h. At least less pain in every part of the body on every move.

Despite this the tasks I had 9 years ago remain. Only now there were way more problems. One option is curl-up and die, another one is do your best again as every day before and pray for better result.

2024-06-17 20:15

Another day gone. I tried experiment again taking Valium, but not making a call to help line. Did not work.

2024-06-18 10:29

For a few weeks now there is one thing that is haunting me: how I could stay in frozen mode for so many years, how I was not able to regain control. I know it is consequences of trauma, but it is same terrible. It also makes difficult to do anything now.

From middle of the night, I am terrified that I do not have control over what is going on in my life. There is good reason for that, last 9 years. It creates so much stress that I freeze. Then there is fear to stay in this mode and need to take action. I am being torn apart and time keeps passing by. The only recommendation I can give is keep on trying to find middle ground and take every small step you can.

2024-06-19 10:35

I try to make sure I write something every day. I took more Valium last-night and made a call. It helped me to sleep another 3 hours or so, but it was not restful sleep. I feel same exhausted as I felt in the evening.

At night I realised that I am again mostly not feeling body sensations. Since long weekend I feel as if I have a flu, but only during the night. BTW it feels like it was day or two days ago, but it was 9 days ago. However, tonight during phone call when I was describing how I feel I realised it is part of panic attack.

Anyway it is a day now. I need to push on with my DSP application. I started with it more than a year ago. It is meant to take about 40 minutes.

2024-06-21 11:41

Again one day skipped. I can not sleep if I do not take medication. I can sleep, but then day goes by without noticing if I take medication. I have a subject I want to cover maybe in PTSD symptoms, but I need to upload some files first for DSP application. All I need to do is to upload some files, and I was not able to do it yesterday. Just could not find required files and whole day passed like this.

2024-06-23 11:56

It is hard to overate exhaustion. I will need to write a lot about it. But first I would like to find something that helps. At least it stopped raining. It is a shame: rain used to have such a calming affect on me and now it keeps me awake.

2024-06-23 11:56

This is becoming a new reality: one day I try to do something, another day just being skipped completely. Still I took a part in Trauma & PTSD support group and one more time was reminded how important it is to share information as I would like if what I am writing would been available at my early recovery time.

2024-06-26 20:05

Today I was opening diary feeling proud. It is evening, but I remembered to open it to add an entry. However, last entry is not from yesterday, it is 3 days ago. WTF. Well, focus now, focus now,... I am so tired...

2024-06-27 06:32

I been not able to sleep more than 3 hours for the last several days. Last few nights it was possible only with Valium. Last night even Valium did not help. I am feeling worse and worse. Just feeling of imminent danger overwhelming at night. Last night I realised it has been almost a year since PIC Assessment Conference 2023-06-28. It is insane how well body recognise time of the year.

2024-06-30 18:22

Major panic attacks last night. I had to make 3 phone calls to to calm down myself enough not stop panic attacks demanding to get up and go somewhere safe. No energy today at all.

07

2024-07-01 11:13

I have struggled to sleep again and now hardly able to move. Yet, learned that I was so slow to respond that someone who wanted to move-in decided that we have chosen someone else and took another place. I have to start from 0 again.

2024-07-02 09:55

Could not fall asleep from 5:06. Made too calls Men's Line and Lifeline. I remember again that in 2015 I was planning to post about it on social media but stopped then. With a little bit of encouragement, I am again looking for support groups or organizations. This is my post:

9 years ago, I was cycling in Sydney. A car from oncoming traffic made a right turn straight towards me accelerating rapidly. I thought this is very stupid way to die. I survive, but fear stayed. I now know the name - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My whole life was put on hold. Police did not investigate, and driver got away without any consequences. I been fighting with QBE insurance for 9 years and it ended up with pathetic result and grossly exaggerated legal fees. I am wandering are any groups of people dealing with the same problems or organizations that might help?

10:59 Almost all the time I am overrun by memories of the times when my head was not working and I wish I have done things differently. However, even now I can not think clearly and something important might be left out.

18:11 This is getting very annoying. I am so exhausted I am dosing off constantly, yet my heart rate stays at 120 b/m. How this is even possible?

2024-07-04 18:51

I got 40 minutes of sleep last night. The rest of the night I was bombarded with memories that the driver got away without any consequences and whole body impulses that I have to do something to protect myself.

2024-07-05 13:45

I am bursting in anger now. At least time slows down a little bit.

2024-07-06 13:35

I hardly slept last night. I was feeling torn apart by pain, regret and feeling of complete helplessness. Unfortunately, it connects with the my PTSD and gives me terrible shock (the best way to imagine is if you get electric sock) every time you about to fall asleep. This also shuts down my capacity to think. I called help lines 3 times and only on 3-rd time I realized that I wanted to ask for advice what to do. Journaling was one of the tools counselor mentioned. So, I will try it.

Buying a unit

I did not received enough support when I needed to deal with police and QBE insurance. So, when my wife decided to buy a unit I thought I will help no matter of circumstances or if I agree with decision. During whole process I had strong gut feeling that things are going wrong, but could not prevent it. It remind me so badly my situation dealing with QBE insurance.

Previous experience. Many years ago I bought unit in Lithuania, and 10 years later sold it. That was fun experience.

Here in Australia the experience was very different. The real estate agent we dealt with told that some other real estate agents handle selling of property so, that after buying you are left with the taste of the foot in your mouth. Unfortunately, that is exactly how it ended up with him. There were several aspect that might have indicated trouble if we know what to look for:

1. All communication with agent was only on the phone. He did not provide email and responded to SMS only by calling back, never even leaving voice mail.
2. All negotiations for the price of the unit was over the phone, no any written confirmations.
3. My wife asked several times: how he want to do signing of the contract, maybe he can send us contract to fill in, or should we send email with the details, but he has not responded.
4. Her lawyer asked vendor solicitor about few small changes and got reply that vendor solicitor was not aware of any agreement. The lawyer contacted agent asking for confirmation of accepted offer, but got no response.
5. Finally agent told my wife that he wants us to come to office to sign the contract. That was very strange as other agents do it electronically and even this agent told us that everything is done electronically, but provided no details.
6. My wife got a call from agent when she was on the way to sign the contract, we were already at the suburb where his office is located. He told her that he just received a higher offer and we have to options increase our offer to beat that offer or cancel the deal and go back home.
7. It felt so bad as she was ready to sign it day ago.
8. She did not want to start all over with another place so, she agreed to increase her offer.
9. When we came to office he showed the SMS that according to him had an offer that he got half an hour ago.
10. It was about 3pm. The message had a time of 5.12pm and some previous day (there was another unrelated message with date today and time next to it). I did not manage to see more like date or was it about this property, as he showed it only for few seconds.
11. I told agent that this can not be the message he mentioned as the date and time are wrong.
12. Agent replied that he does not have to show or explain anything. We offer over $600k or we lose that property.
13. It was clear that be lying, but my wife did not want to lose chance to buy this property, so she agreed.

Few days later I realised that I did not even know was the message that he showed me sent or received. I just relied on agents' word, that it was received message.

2024-07-11 10:15

These events took a huge toll on me. I am starting slowly to recover, but it will take a long time and some of the damage will remain.

For the last few years, almost every night my subconscious brain goes mad analysing the past as trying to make sense of it. A lot of it is very difficult to make sense. I wake up terrified how much time has passed and with enormous pain. I would like to come up with solution that would make things better, but there is none. So, I try to swallow the pain and not to lose at least today. However, it is difficult, it leaves me living all the time in stress and pain. Yet, unbreakable drive that I had before the injury persist. Even if I am exhausted and can do only very little, I try my best every day.

2024-07-16 10:39

I just got an email form PIC informing me that my request for information is not correctly filled in. There is no money order or cheque. I wrote to them because I was asking for information to whom to address it.

Managed to control first reaction - to puke. Now it is time to attempt to focus and do what I have to do.

2024-07-18 09:24

I had no coffee this morning. I am planing to have a nap a bit latter. However, without coffee I am struggling to stay awake, yet I was not able to sleep, when I tried.

Same routine: lets try to do the best I can.

2024-07-20 17:23

Completed my trip yesterday. It was the easiest option available and I was lucky as I got plenty of leg room in the longest flight. Yet, I broke my laptop, forgot bag in a car and many other small errors. I made it and it is good enough.

Yesterday morning, I got an email from the Law Society NSW about my complaint about Timothy Ceballos. They dismissed my complain by analysing only minor details and ignoring main part of the complaint. New urgent task: contact OLSC asking to review the Law Society decision.

2024-07-21 4:06

Different country, but the same thing. Just after 3 hours of sleep I wake up terrified. Mistakes still go at every step. Example: on the first day I added 7 EUR to my mobile balance. I had to chose a plan to make it cheaper. In a past 3 EUR used to be enough for a month for calls and data. I used to do it straight away, as the first thing, before making any calls or using any data. However, I was so tired I left it till the next day. Next day I forgot to do it in the morning even if there was some sensation that I had to do it. I used navigation for about half an hour trip and run out of credit. So, I come back check the plans, added 7 EUR and activated plan. It has 200 min of phone calls and 5 GB data. I was sure I will not need so much. I make less than hour of phone calls a month and use about 1 GB.

Now I woke up at night and I am thinking about making a call to help lines. I just realised that my estimated usage of the phone use was based on memories before the injury. I spend about an hour every day now calling help lines. This is the only way I manage to stay alive. How, can I forget last 9 years and what I am doing every day. BTW the next plan, only 2 EUR more expensive, had unlimited phone calls. How, this is possible to forget how I am functioning now. I was thinking for a while trying to remember how many calls I make.

I started looking for a help lines here in Lithuania. While typing I remembered - I did this before. I may do it every time I come back for last few years and then I forget till I am in the same situation. It is a bit scary, what else I do forget. I want to believe that maybe not so much.

11:29

I bought a train ticket yesterday to go to Klaipėda. Usually I look for people who can give a lift for the small price, but I was not able to find some one this time. So I chose train. A bit more expensive than a bus, but I can see through the windows. I have not been in Lithuania for two years. I missed that view. I forgot to pick a seat when buying a ticket. The train coach is one quarter occupied. I am the only person sitting backwards. I changed to the seat facing forward, but it has no window. I had a look. There were 7 seats next to the window and all are occupied. I am the only one without the view. I am also the only one trying to look outside though the very narrow gap. Everyone else is on their phones or sleeping with blinds shut. To enjoy the trip I had to pick a seat when buying or sit somewhere else as coach was empty when I arrived. There is maybe a tiny chance that I will take a train on the way back, or maybe next year. But unlikely as it is out of the way and I took it for a first time in many years as I really wanted to see the view. Because of my reduced capacity to function getting on the train was the maximum I could do. The story repeats itself.

BTW the train ride is not as smooth as I expected, typing on the the phone presents some challenge due to vibration.

13:05

Some people left and I finally have a view through the window.

2024-07-22 16:40

I hold of my self from calling tonight. I was planing to have PTSD support group meeting at 10:00 and was thinking that it is enough. Ended up not sleeping most of the night and feeling so tired that I started dosing off after 20 min from the start of the meeting. In addition to this I forgot about psychologist appointment. It is a shame as after buying tickets to travel I was thinking about checking appointments and forgot to check if I have psychologist appointment. It would been very useful to talk.

I feel terribly tired and spent most of the day resting. I would like to take a day off. However, there is no reason to believe that tomorrow will be better and I am already very late with many tasks. So, if I can push my self even a little that would be good. BTW I think it has been exactly a year since I got terrible tribunal results and hardly ever slept since then.

2024-07-23 13:20

I was feeling too exhausted and had to take a break. Had no strength even to continue with diary. There were two main problems loss of time (nine years is terribly long time to lose) and compounding injustice like the complete dismissal of complaint about Ceballos.

14:38 I managed to navigate to where I left last time writing and felt so tired that had to go to lie down. I hope I will be able to do something useful now.

17:33 Sometimes taking a break is important. I started reading PSD decision again and realised that I have not read one document - Complaints Process Information brochure .

08

2024-08-04 13:44

I even forgot what I was going to write. 11 days has passed since the last entry. How?

I am noticing one pattern. When I get distressing news, like the ones with dismissal of complaint about Ceballos, after day of few I go into shut-down mode.

2024-08-05 15:56

Yesterday mixed up appointments again. Lucky this time I thought that appointment is day earlier. It is bizarre how hard brain can glitch. I wrote down correct date and still managed to read and plan incorrectly. Lucky noticed before travelling.

2024-08-07 14:53

I am going to try one more trick in attempts to get some productivity: Daily functioning tips#Start with related, but easier task. I will write only tiny bit about it and the short story I want to tell. I will expand it later as now I need to focus on request to review 2024-07-19 PSD decision.

I still failed to attend appointment for tooth cleaning. My plans now are messed up. All appointments are a challenge for me. I will write a short story and expand it when I have time.

Was struggling with writing, 2 hours passed and I still have not started with the main task. Found now some capers from few years ago. It seems it is still helping :).

2024-08-08 16:43

I forgot yesterday to mention about one potentially helpful remedy: Cannabis tea.

2024-08-10 21:16

This is not good. Today gone and I have not even started writing. I started with few small things that had to be done, to get them out of the way and then write. However, I have not started writing yet. Also what happened with yesterday, where it went?

2024-08-11 00:49

I was sitting at home and my watching some movie before going to bed. My watch started vibrating. Pulse 149. After so many tries it become almost a reflex. I got up and went for a walk. When outside I realised that it is late night. There were some clouds. That is a shame. This is the time of the year when you can see a lot of stars. I remember when I was a teenager about this time was coming back how together with my mother bringing back milk. We looked at the start and she mentioned that she loves nights at this time as there were so many many stars. However, this time I even failed to bring my mother outside most of the days.

I realised that I should have not returned car keys to my brother. I remembered that before the injury I used to go at least once during the night to creek and to forest night sounds. However, I have not done even once since the injury. It is crazy, how everything was put on hold. I went to next intersection where used to be small street and then track over the creek. I used to go this path twice a day when I needed to feed animals. But the track is no longer here. At the end of the small street there was fence. I needed maybe 50 meters to the creek, but could not reach it. I could not record sounds of night.

2024-08-12 15:32

Tired, disorganised and anxious. This is how I travel now. It used to be only one word: excited.

2024-08-14 09:17

It may sound that I complain all the time, or that I live in the past. There were two things:

1. flashbacks from the past - these I would like to avoid, but I have no control over it
2. memories of the good things that I bring from the past when being reminded - while they remind me what I have lost and how terrible last 9 years were, they are also a reminder that things can be different. These memories are my attempts to maintain some hope for the future. It is very difficult without any hope and hope now is very difficult to maintain.

The text above should go somewhere else. Just now I cannot think of where it should go. However, I know about next one PTSD symptoms#Mega jetlag.

2024-08-15 10:12

Yesterday, I could not do much, so I thought I will try today. No, not a chance. Complete exhaustion.

2024-08-18 11:40

I sent request for review on Friday. Had few more days, but could not continue. It was too risky, that I will not be able to send it all. Was resting till now. I am still exhausted, but there is time pressure, so I am back to jalapenos to be able to do something useful.

Also, I am terribly frustrated how poorly my head was working for such a long time.

2024-08-19 09:16

Another horrible night is over. Tonight was particularly bad. I had completed sending request to review decision on complaint about Timothy Ceballos on Friday. So, my body decide, that it is a good time to remind me that after dealing with insurance related problems I was planing to deal with the driver. Only it is some years later than I wanted. Actually, I never wanted to deal with insurance. At first for a long time I was looking only for the way to get any accountability for the driver for trying to kill me. I got nothing.

I will write down a bit about some of the PTSD symptoms just so, that all this suffering has some meaning. Even realistically it hardly brings any comfort:

1. Delayed grieving
2. Doom and gloom at night
3. Blocking memories and thoughts
4. Overwhelming urge to act when blocked thoughts get through

2024-08-20 20:17

One support worker appointment in the morning and I am exhausted. Just managed to see GP in middle of the day and nothing else.

2024-08-23 11:55

Few days ago, at nigh pain in my heart got so bad, that I had to take a break in everything I do. Dropped all my activities to very minimum. Today is a bit better as I was feeling as if my heart is going to burst any moment now. The pain was so bad that I felt that there is knife inside and it is going through my heat and any time now will make a big hole in my arteries.

Starting getting a bit better now and need to start by sorting out what is the most urgent and important to do. I may need to take it slower for a while.

14:50 I have not started doing something useful. Just preparing to do it. However, feeling so exhausted, that few moments ago decided not to do it. However, then I realised that I cannot wait anymore. I have to do what I have to do, even if I do expect bad result.

2024-08-26 18:39

I had a plan to write something about something. All gone. Got replies from OLSC about my complaints, they all been dismissed for fake reasons.

2024-08-27 11:41

Complete exhaustion due to Over reaction to bad news.

2024-08-28 10:49

I am waiting for last part of blood test. It is to test how well sugar is regulated in my blood. So, first blood taken after 8 hours of fasting, then I drink sugary drink. Wait hour and they take another blood sample, then wait an hour again and they take another blood sample.

This time I took laptop with me. I was planning to work, but I did very little so far.

2024-08-29 11:32

Was a blood test yesterday. It feels longer. So, tired :(.

2024-08-30 19:48

I managed to do only few daily tasks today and I am already very tired. Let's hope more energy tomorrow.

09

2024-09-03 19:55

Can not break the cycle. Complete exhaustion as in all previous cases with bad news. To make things worse, I got PIC response for video file request and instead of video file I got short audio file, that I have already received before.

However, there is a bit of good news. I got first email to road.traffic.injury@gmail.com. From someone who has went through horror with Moya de Luca-Leonard. I want to quote that email but have to discuss it first.

2024-09-04 11:33

I do not write in my diary about other people. I do not want to intrude their privacy even indirectly. However, this means that I am also not writing about the relationships (or social connections as I have in mind all sorts of connections) I lost. However, this is a big part of the loss. I probably should write about it too, but I want to avoid identifying them. Just it is not possible to express my emotions without identifying the people in these connections. It seems this has to wait.

Still cannot read all response from PIC. I was getting panic attacks yesterday, so I went to Safe Haven. I know it is more about the memories, than the current news. It helped me to avoid panic attacks, but did not give enough stress tolerance to read PIC response. I tried today in Safe Haven, but hardly passed through one minute of audio (I believe same audio as before) before first significant signs of oncoming panic attack - diarrhea.

My mind drifted into autopilot, and I spent good half an hour trying to figure out why on my personal google account I can see number of emails, but on road.traffic.injury (RTF) I do not see it. Suddenly I realised that they work the same. The number I see on my personal account is the number of unread emails. RTF is reasonably new account, and this is why I do not see unread emails, because there were none. I remember, when I started skipping new emails, but that is another story. I am not there yet.

I got up around 5:00 after giving up on fruitless attempts to fall back to sleep. The idea was, let's try to do something useful. It almost a midday already and I have not done anything useful yet. I am so tempted to break on stupid rib, so that I can access and massage my heart directly. Somehow it feels as if it would help my tired heart. It is not going to happen and going to buy some jalapenos, or other spices might not be a good idea too. I am already eating a lot of them at home.

It is surprising how sometimes a bit of old me surface up. I just had an idea that while getting a support letter from psychologist I should also write about my experience.

2024-09-05 09:50

I did very little yesterday, but at least I understood few things. In combination with poor sleep (about 4 hours) I am so tired today, that can not even keep my classes on. The skin on my nose is so weak that it feels as if it is going to break through it. I thought I am imagining, but I checked I already have bruise on my nose.

2024-09-07 19:44

I remember yesterday evening that I have not wrote anything into diary. However, I was so tired, that it would been too much effort.

I am exhausted today too. I know it is not healthy to push myself so hard, but I do not have a choice. There is a very old and tired man looking at me every time I look at the mirror. And he is telling me now or never. Bloody hell, my muscles and bones hurt event to type, while is nerve system that is tired. I did not do any strenuous physical activity. Jalapenos jar is almost empty, just a few drops of brine left. While I have a feeling I opened it only few weeks ago.

Bad and grows joke: I noticed how much spice now I eat only yesterday when I went to toilet. Tomorrow it is going to hurt even more.

Next part is grosser: (continue next day).

2024-09-08 12:00

The tasks have been piling up lately. Current situation:

1. 2024-08-26 I got 3 emails with Office of Legal Service Commissioner (OLSC) decisions for my complaints to dismiss them without investigation. I have 30 days till 2024-09-25 to prepare a request to review the decision as I believe there was no correct process to investigate my complaints, and they were dismissed for not valid reasons without investigation.
2. 2024-09-03 I got a reply from the Personal Injury Commission (PIC) to my request for information without providing information I requested (provided something else). I do not know the deadline yet.
3. 2024-09-06 I got an email from Law Partners (the law firm I complained about to OLSC) requesting to pay their exaggerated bill as my complaints were dismissed.
4. 2024-09-06 I got a reply about my last complaint to OLSC being dismissed because the barrister has retired, and they think it is past the deadline. I need to learn what I can do about it.

I will write about my steps later as I think there were some lessons to learn and to remember and I need to spend a bit more time on this.

While I have been focusing non-stop for a very long time and I need a few months of holidays... Hyper-vigilance hijacks my capacity to think, and every task takes a very long time.

I often go to Safe Haven and having support here helps to reduce hyper-vigilance a bit, but last night I had too many panic attacks and got cold (probably feet and head) and now I have strong pain on the right side of my head and cannot leave home.

I was suspicious why the tiles in the kitchen last night did not feel cold, the day before was not that warm. Well, the tiles were cold, I just was not able to feel it. I seem not to be able to recognise lack of body sensations.

That pulsing pain in my ear is so painful and annoying.

2024-09-09 13:16

Hardly slept tonight. Pain in right ear was keeping me awake. Everything in fog and surreal. Keep dosing off. At least I have no fever.

2024-09-10 12:29

On Friday I had interview for DSP, and I was asked about my social connections. I told about it, well actually about absence of them and she summarised "socially isolated". While it was accurate it was painful as knife stab. She then offered another option "socially withdrawn". I like it more. At least it implies opportunity for some recovery. I do not write in my diary about any social interactions about any sort of relationships. Simply because I respect other people privacy. However, because of my injury I lost some very important relationships or was not able to pursue other ones. There were many reasons for this:

1. Lack of energy
2. Fear overriding all other emotions
3. Learned helplessness
4. Feeling worthless
5. Cognitive decline

The pain of all this loss is catching up with me. I almost have not slept last night. The pain was so unbearable that the none of the ways that used to help me to calm down worked this time. Just to cope somehow, I had to make calls to help lines one after another. There was so bad at some point that I was experiencing something that I call psychosis. In total I made 5 calls at night and 2 calls during the day. Be the afternoon I managed to get up.

Now I am in Safe Haven, but still cannot do anything useful as dosing off all the time. I tried to lie down to sleep a little bit I cannot.

2024-09-11 10:52

When you feel all the loss at once it is very crap. However, I do not want to add one more day to it, so I try my best again. Whole my body is screaming I want my life back. But it is not possible. I am in Safe Haven now. I felt sick just coming to the room where I normally try to work. I am just at the edge where I still can control nausea.

And I forgot to take charger with me. I need to rush to type an email to psychiatrist.

Sent an email to psychiatrist and thought to have a look at Facebook for few minutes. Have not checked in in few days. I saw a post about policeman coming with fake excuse to avoid charging driver with close bypass. My phone started vibrating immediately, pulse 120. Had to close without even finding out the end. Now, I am dizzy. It was just a post, no collision. Crap my sensitivity.

2024-09-12 15:40

My heart is bleeding from pain of things lost. I was doing my best not to think about how good my life was and how good it could have been. However, recently I realised even more things that I so wanted to before I got injured and then I was not able to do them, and my mind completely blocked any thought about it. The cruel thing is that if I thought about it and done very simple things my life almost certainly would been so much better. Now I have thousand times more to get hundred times less satisfactory result, but it is all that left possible to happen. How do you cope with this pain? I do not know. So, I try the only thing I can come up with - clinch my teeth, endure the pain and try to do something useful. I am trying to find the law or precedent to show how incorrect OLSC statements were about their and PIC powers, but so far, I found nothing. I think the reason is that my head is not working, but I need to find it.

I do not think I wrote a single line today.

I tried to watch something relaxing, but I cannot. Everything reminds me of loss and the urge is to jump and do something to stop it from happening, but I cannot. It has already happened, over very long time, I was just not able to think for a very long time.

2024-09-13 15:11

OK, it has been 10 minutes since I am sitting here with diary entry open, and I have not started writing. I think this sums well how I feel right now.

2024-09-15 11:25

Last diary entry I wrote that I am so tired that I am starring at one spot and not doing anything. Well it was like this for the last 2 days. Lets hope today will be different.

2024-09-16 18:03

No. Yesterday, was not different at all so is today.

I also today remember how much I used to spend time in nature. Now I have no time for this. I do not have enough energy to do even daily tasks. In the morning I thought of something useful to write, but I was so tired I thought I will lie down and then write. I have not clue now what it was.

2024-09-17 08:44

I do not plan much, but I think I did less than 10% of what I have planed to do in the last 2 weeks. I looked where I stopped yesterday. Well I did very little.

I am feeling very tired, there is a strong pain in my right ear again. My heart is in heavy pain for the lost time and opportunities that I worked so hard to create and now they were gone forever. Even the last 20 days passed so quickly without getting anything done. I am feeling so cold it is insane. I should not feel so cold. I am warmly dressed, but I am cold. There is nothing I can do about other things, but I can feel worm. I went and added another jumper. For some reason I started feeling even colder. For a moment I checked that I maybe instead of putting additional layer replaced one, but no - I have an extra layer. I could have put a heater on when I was sleeping, but now it is too late. Placed a blanket over my legs. Feels a bit better. I have a phone call in few minutes. After it I may look to put something on to make my self even wormer. It took me half an hour to write this bit.

Next I just want to add reminder about Heart rate variability. I will write about it more latter, just a reminder not to forget as it is something that might help to reduce stress damage on my heart.

I just noticed conflicting appointments today. Good I hate this illness. Percentage wise I may fail about 50% of my appointments.

Now I am trying to fix it again. I would like to do something useful, while waiting for a reply. Something simple. However, I just keep checking for a response. In mean time I am trying to write something useful, but every second keystroke goes wrong.

2024-09-18 11:16

To make things a bit more complicated my laptop is not working anymore. It was long time coming, but this means that right now I can not go to Safe Haven. Yesterday, support worker helped me to write a letter to Law Partners. Just a thought about them triggers such fear response that I can not do anything useful.

Today, I have to work from home. I slept very bad. Could not reach anyone on help line, wait was just too long and before 7:00 I already gave up falling asleep. I went through my morning routine and then felt very tired and started dosing off. So, I went back to bed and had almost an hour sleep. Morning routine can be used in different ways when you have PTSD.

And again. I had 2 small tasks at first then big one. First small task took half of the day, I can not remember second small one and I have no energy for main task.

I could not sleep for several nights and it was becoming way too bad. So, I started using Valium. I am feeling as if I am drunk, but without any relaxing effects.

2024-09-19 09:00

Can not sleep. All time worried that I will not complete request for review on time. However, when I sit down to write it I am out of energy.

I was going to do few other things first, but instead dived in into writing a request for a review. It is going terribly slow. I have a pain in my right ear again. I am so absurdly fragile, this place is too cold, I lived here too long and I do not turn on the heater when I should. To many things are going wrong, but right now I should focus only on one thing - review.

2024-09-20 09:42

Another day another battle. In the morning all I want to do curl in pain. But I am up and I need to focus. Can not have breakfast.

Yesterday, I had some clarity about what I am writing for request for review and learned that:

• I wrote only few paragraphs
• Almost all what I wrote was gibberish repeater several times.

11:08 The pain of loss does not go away. It feels unreal that this could happen, but it did happen. I could have happy fulfilling life, instead I am living in constant agony. I do not need to look far to see new failures. I have been trying to write request for review for more than 3 weeks now and I have nothing. I did less than one day work. While I have everything else on hold.

15:30 During 10 years huge loss accumulated for not being able to live my life. There were things that time after time I remembered that I desperately need to do, but still was not able to do it. All this pain is hitting me with every second thought. While I need to bottle it for few days till I deal with OLSC responses and write the requests for review, but I can not.

2024-09-21 11:51

I was promising to write something in the morning. Struggled for a bit to remember, but here it is:

Trauma and following PTSD reduced my capacity to feel anything else but fear. Just because fear is so overwhelming. It also consumes all your energy making even simple tasks very difficult. Important tasks start piling up. The most painful part is that that it also affects my perception. There is such thing as learned helplessness that does not even allow you to do the things that you want to do the most. Some of them for me have been very simple to do, but I have not done it. These feelings and strong urge existed, but it was hidden from my consciousness, while still burning me from inside.

BTW I skipped anxiety group meeting today, simply because I had no time. However, now I think it would been nice as I think that burning unsatisfied desire created a lot of anxiety. But no time now, maybe next time.

2024-09-22 11:40

I opened page to write diary entry 3 hours ago, but that was it. I was to tired, that had to go to lie down. I am back now.

Last night I slept only about 2 hours. I could not take a risk of feeling as if I am drunk for another day, so I did not take Valium. Unfortunately, nothing else worked. I will take Valium this night if I wake up again after less than 2 hours of sleep with and will not be able to fall asleep within one hour.

Yesterday, I spoke with someone about my problems last week looking what I can do better. I forgot to mention lack of sleep, while it was a big contributing factor. With such lapses in memory my attempts to understand problem and look for solution has little chance to succeed.

Suspicion: I can find any ways to improve my sleep, maybe this is why any memories of it were blocked or I simply could not remember. No time to for this now. I need to attempt to focus my exhausted body.

2024-09-23 11:17

Last night was horrible. I hardly slept and feeling terrible: There were 2 things that were haunting me: 

1. understanding how much my perception was changed and I have not done things I wanted to do badly because of not valid reasons
2. terrible pain of loss

I felt severely depressed during the night. Yet, I got up in the morning and try again. I wake up first time after less than 2 hours to sleep but decided to take only have of tablet of Valium and few tablets of melatonin. Did not help at all.

BTW It is very sad to look at my garden. It needs watering, but I have no time for it. I was creating it hoping to have my own house and garden, but it is unlikely to happen. I feel guilty for spending time on on it, even if it was also the way to distract and calm myself.

20:47 I am exhausted. I think I managed to do work for less than 1 hour today. This is so sad :(.

2024-09-24 12:00

I started writing diary, but dosed off.

There is a fun story with glasses, but I will write it a bit later.

2024-09-29 11:08

I have submitted request for review on time. For the last few days all I could do was to rest. I still need to rest more, but now anxiety start building up, that my life is passing by, so I am trying to find some energy to do something. First task is to figure out what is the most urgent task to do.

I had a look at what task I have in my Google calendar to see what tasks I have for today. There was one repeated tasks that has been from a year ago. However, things has changed few month ago, but I have not updated it. It took me 5 minutes to find Delete button. And no, it was not hidden.

I am very tired right now, but it was much worse 3 hours ago. I woke up early and could not get back to sleep.

2024-09-30 13:26

I had two calls this morning one I got a call and another I made myself. I am trying to enter treatment programs. However, when thinking about them I felt overwhelmed. Maybe because it remind me that previously I was feeling bad when I entered them, but also I had more hopes to recover and I have not recovered and I need to try again. Most likely because of loss of hope and time. I wrote this little and I am already so tired.

10

2024-10-01 10:34

And the day was gone.

Same bad sleep last night.

Week ago I was bottling my feelings just for few days, just to complete request for review. Sent it, but was wondering when pain will come back at full strength. Here it is.

Every spring about this time, when I see clear signs of spring I promise myself to take care of my garden, but never was able to find time. I just noticed promising to myself same thing. :D. Some people never learn :D.

20:03 I think I have finished digging through my past, trying to understand what happened and how it could go so wrong after the injury. I have to admit that I could have lived my life so well that I never even expected. It is very difficult to admit as it is such a painful and huge loss. But it has happened.

So, I will need to write about cognitive decline, learned helplessness, brain injury or everything else that contributed into such a catastrophic loss. But before I will do that I will need to go through feeling this terrible pain of loss. There is no way around it. It is going to be very difficult night.

I do not pray. I prayed only twice and it did not help. However, I do want to say, "o goods help me". Only it is in more ironic matter, because I know they will not help me. I will spare the readers from the following thoughts...

2024-10-02 13:23

Well it was difficult night and most of the morning can be described as emotional pain, but I am one more time reassured that knowing is much better than not knowing.

Let the pain sit, but I am going to attempt to do what I had to anyway.

2024-10-03 12:14

Last night was very difficult. I was exhausted already around 20:00 and starter preparing to go to bed. I think I reached it only well past 21:00. Woke up with intense dream, breathing very heavily. Surprisingly my heart rate was 77 b/m. Not sure is it just medication or sign that I am improving. Last year about this time every time (as far as I can remember) the heart rete would be above 100 b/m, averaging at 120 b/m.

However, when I checked heart rate I also checked time. It was 22:41. While I was fully awake and highly vigilant. I had burning desire to get out and look for the help. The difference was that this time was not about dying in a dream it was about losing 10 years of my life. It has been already few nights like this in a raw. Here are two last dreams that I can remember.

Parking bicycle

I came as a guest somewhere. I came together with my girlfriend. We came to a new nice complex. It is beautiful warm summer late afternoon. We lock our bicycles outside. The place to lock bicycles looks a bit flimsy. I suggest that I will check if there is a bicycle storage in underground parking. The door to elevator looks new, but elevator itself is old. There is metal mesh instead of walls. The underground parking looks old and neglected, there is the dirt everywhere. There more I looked the worse it got. There were people appearing and disappearing in shadows. It seemed that everything is moving very quickly and only I am very slow. So, I decided to go back. On the way back felt very tired. I was thinking that I wold like to sit down and rest. Elevator seemed as it has been heavily used for many years by the time I come back to it. When elevator was going up in elevator it felt that acceleration was crushing me down and I hardly managed to stand. When I came to ground floor everything has changed. The concierge aged 10 years. It was dark and cold outside. My girlfriend was gone. My bike was still locked in place, but it was covered in dust and very rusted as if it was standing there for 10 years. I felt very tired. I looked at my hands. They were wrinkled with some scars. Only the keys in my hand were same as it was minutes ago when I went to look for underground bicycle storage. I took out my phone. Instead of being new, now it was all scratched, old and out of battery. I realized that I need to get out of this place as soon as possible. I was walking outside of the complex all exhausted and old, breathing heavily and putting all my effort into every step to get out of there as soon as possible, while I am still alive.

I woke up breathing heavily with the strong desire to run outside and look for help. I felt pain in my throat from breathing to fast, in my back, right leg and in my heart.

Funeral preparation I was back in Lithuania visiting my family. My sister told me that my mother wants to make some arrangements for her funeral. I thought that it is way to early. My sister agreed, but she told me that several my moms friends died recently and it would make my mom feel less anxious if she prepare some arrangements. I helped my mother to get into the car.

I still can not get used how unproductive I am. I spent whole day, on what was meant to be only short time at the start. Yet, I am have done only half of it. So, I will shorten it a lot.

The dream was similar to previous when exiting the function place I did feel 10 years older and my moms health deteriorated significantly. I was pushing her with wheel chair out as soon as I could running for my life again.

I have to limit my activities to very basic. I can not do otherwise. No more stories like this.

2024-10-04 18:43

Few moments ago I was thinking that I would like to take a break from all the worries. But then I thought that I have not done much today. So, I tried to focus and work. Instantly remembered why I want break so bad. However, I need to push even harder. More work and then tiny break.

2024-10-05 14:12

Few, I wrote something yesterday. I can not remember what was yesterday, or hardly remember what was last week, but I am bombarded with memories what was 3 years ago.

I was planing to go to Glebe anxiety support group, but at the end decided that it is too big luxury time wise even if it is helpful. Instead I trying to push with tasks related to my injury. Next topic Moya de Luca-Leonard solicitor. I have not wrote anything yet, but I already went through whole list of items to help me to focus. Now, I am at jalapenos.

2024-10-06 15:21

From today I am starting to spend one hour a day, splint in 3 parts 20 minutes each, outside or doing some household tasks if the weather does not permit to be outside. It is a big time commitment for me because of my very low productivity. However, last night I again spent most of night feeling strong pain in my heart. It is not as bad as year ago, when it felt that my heart may burst with every beat of it, but it was still painful as being struck by knife with every beat. The pain varies, but it is still very painful. I feel that I did catch-up with my tasks enough that I can dedicate some time to my physical health. Also, my body can not delay it anymore. I feel that I have consumed all the reserves I had from previous healthy life style.

2024-10-07 11:27

I started having a nap in the morning more often. I mean as soon as I check that the sun is up I do manage to fall asleep. I was not able to do anything useful related to my injury and last night nightmares of being killed come back. I need to get some results today.

2024-10-08 12:26

3 dreams. First I die. Second after sleeping maybe 1 minute Facebook post saying that 10 years passed while I was frozen. Third, again only after 1 minute of sleep, I go surfing 2 days in a row, but 10 years pass while I was sleeping. Total less than 3 hours of sleep.

I was able to start writing diary only after I went back to bed.

2024-10-09 15:50

I had one phone call this morning. It lasted about 50 minutes and all I had to do was to answer some questions about my functioning this month. As a result I am so tired I have not managed to do anything else today. I come to Safe Haven hopping that different environment will help, but no. I spent almost 2 hours just staring at screen without realising that I am not doing anything. Ahhrrr. It is so annoying.

2024-10-10 12:09

I have managed to do go through few emails yesterday. It is hard to remember what I was doing June-August 2021, mainly because the main thing that I remember is what I have not done. I had to deliver court documents to the driver and COVID19 struck, restrictions were imposed and I was not able to deliver these documents.

I also remembered how poorly de Luca-Leonard managed my case at that time, especially collection of evidence. I do need to write about it, as I think that is important lesson that might help a lot for other people.

20:15 memories flooded in afternoon. Had to take long break. I am trying not to squeeze at least 10 productive minutes, but I am not sure even about this.

2024-10-11 12:04

I am fighting now with pain and trying to focus on writing about my lessons This is the best outcome I can think of bad situation: Personal injury claim process#Lawyers submissions.

2024-10-12 23:52

Logged in just to write some entry. Could not sleep last night. Completely out of energy. Tried to fix hole in bicycle tube in the morning and run out of energy. I can not do ever every day tasks. Now, can not sleep, but have no energy too. So, watching some TV series. I used to enjoy, not it is only to distract.

2024-10-14 12:07

Lost one day, but that is OK. I was too exhausted. There were some insights I wanted to write, but cannot remember now. I booked 3 overlapping appointments for tomorrow. So, I am trying to reschedule 2 of them. PTSD symptoms#Overlapping appointments

19:57 I addition to messing up appointments I learned today that I missed one more deadline: to as for internal review of the PIC to my GIPA application. I will focus first on finding what I can do next. Personal injury claim process#Government Organisation Public Access

2024-10-15 12:47

Now, in addition to being exhausted my head is not working. I just cannot thing, what is next step.

20:50 I am losing emails. Some time ago I read an email, now for few hours I cannot find it anymore. I hate when this happens.

2024-10-16 12:37

I remember about benefits of exercise on the way to Safe Haven this morning, so I pushed as hard as I could. My legs were wobbly and chest was burning from breathing in rapidly chilled air, when I was approaching the building. I was so proud of my self. Dreaming about my reward of siting down and having a cup of coffee. Then I noticed the note "Sorry, we are closed today".

I still need to go back. Not so proud anymore :). Incidental activity (exercise) has its risks, but it is still worth it. Huge health benefits. It also was fun to observe my self puffing back home.

2024-10-17 19:51

For few days I was worried that I have no strength to submit application for external review. I was thinking that I am going through very similar path, where in the past I had no success.

Today afternoon, I got an email saying that I might apply for internal review. Now I am not sure what to do. Is it a trap? May I miss deadline for external review if I apply for internal review?

2024-10-18 13:59

I been dealing with PIC and OLSC for a while now. Not getting any result. It seems that I am running on spin wheel like a rat, but not getting anywhere. The difference is that rats do it because they enjoy it and I am doing it to reach my destination. So, now most likely I will apply for another IPC. The common word is commission(er). It reflect how they are appointed and links them all together.

2024-10-19 12:56

I have skipped support group today. Just felt too much pressure from the things I have to do, that I thought it is too big luxury to care about feeling better. I hope it will not turn out to be counter productive.

2024-10-20 11:33

When I get up after sleepless night, I think maybe it will not be so bad. By mid day after burning hell out of my breakfast/lunch and already feeling completely exhausted before I did anything useful I come to accept the fact that it is going to be another lost day.

2024-10-21 14:13

I got email with information about internal review request. It seems they wrote about it before.

2024-10-22 13:28

Retested 2 things:

1. Physical exercise during the day increase hyper-vigilance at night and reduce amount of sleep.
2. Morning light reduce hyper-vigilance and provides opportunity to fall asleep.

I still can not find any useful technique to do the tasks that are related to re-traumatizing memories.

2024-10-23 00:15

When I am this stressed and tired I can not function. I am using every trick from my list to try to get one step ahead, but now feels that I am pushing brick wall. I could not find one email. I have a reply to it, but can not find original email. It has been like this for more than a week. I am now doing almost random things and hoping that it will give me desired result.

I am not going to finish story now. Fingers refuse to type. Tomorrow.

2024-10-24 10:46

I replaced inner tube for my bicycle 21 times this morning in the last 2 years. on the way to Safe Haven felt that I am going against the wind. I came there only to find out that it is closed today. On the way back it felt that wind has changed. Run out of paper filters for coffee. Have not been shopping for 3 months, just have no time. I been saving them by making 12 cups of coffee every several days. Someone is in jacuzzi, can not relax even there. And none of this is a problem. The problem is that I hardly slept last night and now have no energy at all.

For 2 weeks I am struggling with the tasks that should take 2-3 hours. I am farm from done, but I am so exhausted, that every minute I think I cannot take it any-more. Now it feels that nothing helps.

2024-10-25 14:29

I feel like living in some parallel universe where I have no power to make my own decisions. It just feels a bit too real and way too long for a dream. But I still hope to come back to the point when it split from my real universe, when I got hit by a car. I am putting so much effort to minimise its impact, yet I am so failing at it.

Wanted to write also the story about glasses, but have no time now.

2024-10-26 18:09

Yesterday I completed and sent PIC Assessment Conference 2023-06-28#Application to IPC for external review. Finally time to relax at least for a day. So, I went to grab something nice to eat and to buy some essential food as you can not make any filling or healthy mean with what I have left.

I was already looking for a spot to lock my bike, so I was walking with my bike. When I came to cross the street at a pedestrian crossing the car came and stopped at the pedestrian crossing. It should not have entered the pedestrian crossing as it was clear it will not be able to continue driving. However, when I was crossing the street he started driving and hit me.

That was only soft tissue damage and some scare. I was in shock yesterday and could not do anything, but at night I realized that I needed to report it. However, I am struggling to do that. I was not able to do anything against the driver who was very close to killing me and caused long lasting damage, so how can I do anything against the driver who only bumped into me.

I just noticed that I missed part of the text. Somehow froze while writing and was just replaying everything in my mind, but not writing. Then continue writing as nothing has happened. Lucky I have notice it. The part I left out was the incident itself.

2024-10-27 15:39

I was not able to write what has happened on Friday. Just could not. Overrun by flashbacks from the past. At the end decided to check what is needed to report it online. If I understood correctly I can not do it online, because the driver left without exchanging contacts. It might be the main offence that I will be able to prove. Anyway, I went to police station. I was told that I have to do it in another police station that covers that area. The traffic offence ...

I just learned that my phone has finger print recognition. I have it for several years. There was a time when I looked for it very hard and was not able to find it. I was convinced that my phone does not have this feature even if seemed very strange. I cannot explain how and why I was not able to find it before. It also has capacity to function as bank card (has near-field communications chip). I kind of knew from specifications, but was not able to use it. It is absurd how much my head is not working. It feels that I have lost capacity to learn anything new since the injury.

2024-10-28 19:31

My phone is not working. It seems Telstra allow only several models to connect to network. It does not matter even if my phone functions properly and fully support 4G requirements.

2024-10-30 21:55

Being able to call help lines at night seems to be very important for my sleep. I am not able for 2 night already and sleep is suffering a lot. I was so tired yesterday, that I did not do anything. I could not even add diary entry yesterday. Not a productive day today either.

11

2024-11-01 11:51

I have not yet found a way to work around Telstra phone scam. So, have reliable method to fall back asleep after waking up. I am taking medication, but it means, that most of the time I am so out of energy, that fail even to add entry into my diary.

It has been a week and I think it is a good time to write a bit about my experience after 2024-10-25 traffic offence.

2024-11-02 17:52

Sleep is exceptionally important. The day is almost over and I have not done anything useful yet.

22:56 I hit a brick wall. I understand when hitting a brick wall when I need to do something creative, but this time I only need to write things from the past. However, I am hitting a brick wall.

2024-11-03 11:50

So many people who lecture about importance of exercise do not take into account lack of sleep and exhaustion. I do not have enough energy to sit. How and why would you exercise then?

Generic advice is such a dangerous thing and can be so harmful.

2024-11-04 10:50

I have enough energy in the morning just to have breakfast. Out of energy before event attempted doing something meaningful. Had to fight with tiredness just to complete breakfast.

22:04 I was sure I wrote this morning. Few all good. Previously I forgot to change date from 03 to 04. Terribly unproductive day.

2024-11-05 12:56

With the help of medication, but managed to sleep longer in the morning. Still very groggy. It is already 14:02 and I am only at the stage where I am drinking coffee. Have not cleaned dishes from breakfast yet.

2024-11-06 07:03

I can get few more hours of sleep if I take medication. However, then I am groggy whole day and time passes in a blink of an eyed. If I take no medication, then only few hours of sleep per night and can not do anything at all. No escape :(.

12:57 Ended up taking Valium and going back to bed. I am very drowsy now, but it is still better than feeling pain not only from every move, but from every thought too.

17:51 Just had a nap. About half an hour. It was impossible otherwise to stop dozing off. I had a dream, that there was no injury and I am living very happy life. I feel so sad. However, there is no other option. I have to do the best I can now, despite the pain and exhaustion.

2024-11-07 18:54

I had video call for DSP application. So, did not expected much from today. As expected whole night was haunted by nightmares and flashbacks, mostly related to PIC assessment conference.

2024-11-08 16:55

A lot of time I spend on tasks where I failed to do what I have planed. Today is similar day. My flatmate informed me that she is leaving. Mainly it is due to the fact that I failed to do things I was planing. Simple household tasks were piling up and she had enough of it. The sad thing is that I already started dedicating more time to it and was going to talk to her about it. Too late now. Now I will need to spend a lot of time looking for new flatmate.

Feeling sorry about this will not help. I know how I got into this situation and all I can do now it try to catch up with the tasks I have to do.

2024-11-09 12:44

Bad timing to look for a flatmate, when I am already not able to keep up with daily tasks. Whole night I was feeling upset, that I did not manage to do few things that I have planned to do. It would have saved me a lot of time.

2024-11-11 17:39

For some reason I think I already wrote this, but can not find it. So, I started looking for new flatmate. I checked market. When we set rent previously for current flatmate that was thinking that there were 2 of us. Now, when I am alone rent should be higher. There were few strange adds bellow 400, then a lot of about 450 for the room similar to mine. I set rent for 380. I prepared ad for my room, posted it, got first request for inspection and contacted my flatmate to arrange time for inspection. Instead, I got reply, that the room she wanted failed and she got bond back. She would appreciate that I would let her stay. At the end I agreed for her to stay, but the whole sleepless night and effort preparing where for nothing.

BTW I also did experiment taking mitrazapine. Did not help to sleep even a little, but made me drowsy for a whole day. Completely useless medication.

2024-11-13 14:10

Proper nightmare tonight. Would be enough for 10 episodes of intense action. Actually many events from real life modified. However, there was more criminal elements in a dream with torture and killing. It is funny, how injuries in the dreams correspond to real injuries in collision.

2024-11-14 14:58

This is not good, but sleep is becoming more and more disturbed. I can not sleep without medication now. It is not sustainable as I feel vegetable during the day.

2024-11-14 06:53

Can not be so unproductive anymore, so no Valium tonight. And crap. Was not able to fall back to sleep after waking up. I think I have about 3h of sleep so far. Pain in my heart immediately got stronger.

2024-11-16 10:54

I do not know where one day went. However, giving up Valium was a good idea. I just can not function when taking it.

As soon as I close my eyes I dream about the life I lost. It is very sad, but still better than not being able to think at all.

2024-11-17 11:22

I have miscalculated how long it will take me to prepare next part of the complaint about Moya. Also changing phone IMEI proved to be more difficult.

I am so exhausted my brain is shutting down. Went through everything I can think of to get last chance to send addendum to my complaint before it completely shuts down.

2024-11-18 11:06

I sent yesterday Moya de Luca-Leonard solicitor#2024-11-17 Addendum for my complaint CAS014655. The best way to describe the quality of my work would be the phrase "what ever". For the last week my brain was shutting down and I could not properly put events and my thoughts together into complaint.

2024-11-19 21:28

My body does not allow me to rest. I was haunted all night with memories about Law Partners and that I did not any result that would give me a feeling of justice. First task updating Alfonsas Stonis personal injury claim - short story.

2024-11-20 11:28

"I want to die" - was the thought that was running through my head most of the night. It still has not stopped. I slept only 3h tonight. It is going to be very difficult day. The memories how Law Partners messed up my life are very difficult to process.

Some things are very difficult to remember and they take so much energy.

2024-11-21 05:43

I welcomed the change when these dreams of no injury and different life without the injury started replacing nightmares of me dying. I dream about nice life, but I wake up the same stressed as if I was dying. Now I feel that I can not take it anymore. This is no longer possible. I lost 10 years of my life, my capacity to function and all opportunities I worked so hard to create. How do I stop my subconsciousness from pretending that this has hot happened?

2024-11-22 11:48

I finally sent an enquiry to the Attorney General. It took me whole week 100% focus just on this. I think the actual work was 3-5 hours, but this is still a good result. I am so exhausted right now. It comes at a price for my physical health, but I had to do this.

2024-11-23 17:12

No energy even for diary entry.

2024-11-25 11:56

I could not find work around to overcome Telstra restriction without working mobile connection. So, at the end I decided to buy new phone. I knew what model I wanted, I searched several stores and select best price and reasonably close. What I did not notice, that I selected wrong model. Now I have slow phone. I just can not do any decisions without giving my self a lot of time to come back and double check it. It has to be at least few days.

2024-11-26 13:55

Brr, yesterday was terrible. Sleepless night made huge impact and on second half of the day I was already dysfunctional. I am faced with the same question I had at the beginning of my personal injury claim: how much are legal fees for my case?

2024-11-27 11:37

I neglect my garden and all other tasks except looking at cost assessment for Law Partners. However, I am so slow in the morning, that it might be useful attempting to do something else, while I am resting and collecting my energy.

2024-11-28 12:55

I did not skip a day. That is good. Yesterday evening I finally found some actions against lawyers for exaggerating fees. Now, I just need to learn when and how often this happens.

2024-11-29 15:04

Often psychologists, support workers and other people trying to help me highlight to me that all my time and efforts are focused only on one thing: improving outcome after my injury, especially legal problems. It is true and I deeply hate it. I do not want to end up in another 20 years feeling completely old and useless, and to look back and tell that I wasted all my life on pointless fight without any fun. However, I can not. I took a break today to go to End of Year picnic party at Flourish Australia. I thought it will take same time as making lunch for my self and I will cycling there and back will count as exercise. Taking small breaks occasionally also is meant to be very important for overall health. Mine is not so good. However, after 20 min I felt the anxiety building as if I am trying to avoid urgent and necessary tasks, by doing something less important. The only excuse was that I already skipped breakfast and this will be my lunch and for any food I would have gone shopping, so I saved that time and effort, may even skip dinner. Lucky it started to rain, so at at least I do not feel so guilty for neglecting watering garden. Well, there is still weeds, pests, and long overdue spring planting.

12

2024-12-01 14:30

The way I feel can shift so fast. I feel miserable during the night, then in the morning a glimpse of optimism, followed by exhaustion and feeling of doom now. However, the mantra stay the same. Try to focus and do something useful.

2024-12-01 14:30

Absurdly exhausted today. Again mixed up appointment dates, when to see psychologist a day too early. Can not complete one email during whole day, when basically I need only to copy it from previous email.

2024-12-03 09:44

In order to get up I need to pack my feelings into a box, or I will not be able to get up.

2024-12-04 10:18

I hardly slept one hour tonight. All the past mistakes are grinding me down. I remember that my money sits in a trust account with 0 interests. For one year it is about $10000 ($7000 that would go to me).

2024-12-05 12:02

Last evening I was collapsing already at 20:00. I went to sleep, but I could not sleep. Again as soon as I was about to fall asleep I would get that impulse through whole body as if I am about to get hit (by a car). After some time I took Valium. Slept for about 40 min and wake up with a dream when I was running from danger. I woke up breathing so heave as if I was running for my life. Repeated all herbs that supposed to help to sleep, I do think you can overdose them. Call to help line and then listen to meditation till finally exhaustion took over and I fall asleep. I was waking up a lot. It is hard to tell what portion was sleep and how much time I was twisting and turning. Now I feel as if I was drinking heavy all night, but it is still better than day before.

I went to pour coffee and my cup disappeared. Frustrated I was looking for it for few minutes, but in vain. I gave up and started walking back to my work place. On the way I noticed my cup full of coffee and milk. Then I remember that I did actually poured it. And I wonder how I forget important things, while I forget things while doing them.

It is so absurdly difficult to stay focused. It just slides in all directions. One hour passed and I maybe stayed focused for 10 minutes. I have not went even through preparations before I start to work. I am already so tired that every key stroke is a challenge.

22:43 I do not know is it exhaustion or Valium, but I did almost nothing productive today.

2024-12-06 12:47

Last night before going to sleep I was reading about trust accounts and I found shocking information. By default interest from trust account where your money are kept goes to Legal fees#Trust account

2024-12-07 04:58

Yesterday, I was so tired, that I went to sleep without even properly finishing preparation for today's meeting even if there was very little to prepare. I had a look at the calendar and thought where does time go. I hardly remember anything in the last 7 days. And that is consequences of being over stressed even if you try as hard as you can days passes quickly without living it.

09:11 I woke up with alarm second time. So, my dream was interrupted before it got very bad. For a moment I remember the time when I had hope, dreams and happiness in my life. There have been good moments after the injury, but dark cloud was always there. There never been tranquility. I so wanted to slip back into memories of the past, but reality started to kick in. Soon, I was overwhelmed by regret of not going to court and not challenging all the lies about me.

2024-12-08 19:59

It is evening and my heart rate keeps jumping to 120 beets per minute. Crap. I already forgot what I was going to write about in the morning.

2024-12-09 19:10

I often say that I am already used used to diarrhea, but sometimes it gets me. I have not started doing anything stressful, just planing to do it and I already have diarrhea.

2024-12-10 12:54

This is absurd how I can not keep more than one thing in my mind. So, I am waiting now for response about interests for money kept for disputed fees by solicitor.

2024-12-11 12:14

I have not finished writing diary entry yesterday. I wanted to say, that as soon as I felt that problem with legal fees can wait my mind was allowed to switch to another topic and it did in the middle of the night. The thing is that I started looking at the fees before assessment conference because there were deadlines to complain about Law Partners. So, I could not thing about fraudulent assessment and what to do next no matter how hard I tried. However, now it came to my my mind - a simple plan.

2024-12-12 14:30

I was hoping to get money stuck in trust fund to be moved to controlled money account so, that there were interests coming till I sort out what to do with lawyers fees. However, it is not happening and I feel very sick about it.

2024-12-13 11:44

I did not get morning sleep today. So, I am limited only to 3 hours sleep. I can not function. This a bad idea to get up. I should have went back to sleep. I just can not get my head to work. I know what I have planned to do and I cannot.

2024-12-14 16:02

There is widely recognised rule, that first do least pleasant and most important things. I do follow that rule often. And then the day is gone, without event having a thought about less stressful things to do.

I do not have any energy today. I am so tempted to do something simple. However, when I actually got up to do something else I realized I can not, for 2 reasons:

1. There are many things I have to do and they been delayed already way too long
2. There might be someone who is looking for a answers what to do and my example could help. I wish so badly I would find such information when I needed it.

Back to Legal fees#My case.

2024-12-15 12:17

I spent most of the night at the edge of drifting to sleep. When I finally managed to fall asleep in the morning I woke up with the dream where I was back in time about 20 years ago. Only in my dreams I can remember how to experience joy without ever present feeling of danger. However, as it happens in all my dreams the feeling of danger appeared and started to grow. I woke up with strong urge to do something that is very urgent. I was still very tired, but crawled out of the bed. Now, I promised my to spend at least 10 minutes in garden every morning and one hour in total. But how can you? When all your body is shaking for the urge to do something important to reduce threat to your life.

BTW I still went outside, but I think only for 5 min, just enough to quickly water plants.

2024-12-16 14:35

The is a build up of stress for me not being able to remember for almost a year that I need to attend getting interest from money kept at solicitors trust account and that I may forget it again. It become unbearable today, so I wrote to my solicitors asking about it. I can not deal with more than one thing at a time. So, I was not able to do anything else until I have done it. Now I want to run away and hide. I did this while being at Safe Have. It would be a good place to wait, but I want to run away from here as if that would help me to turn away from the problem. However, it is not true. It will not make the problem to go away. There is a risk - I may not have support around me if I receive negative response if I leave now.

2024-12-17 16:28

I went to see support worker at 11:30 for an hour. Unfortunately that is my limit, so up till now I was feeling exhausted. Now, I finally recovered enough strength to check emails. I found email from a law firm where Peter James Livers solicitor works now. I learned that trust fund is not where I was told it to be and I was not informed about it.

21:04 I am not only exhausted, but pain in my heart become very bad. I would be calling paramedics now if I have not had scans last year. But this is bad. I spent last 2 hours just lying down and resting. The only thing I did was to have quick shower and pain intensified. I was reminded about Livers and his betrayal at assessment conference. I will take Valium now, it will reduce even further my productivity, but if my heart fails then all is lost. Need to calm down my nerve system, nothing else is helping.

2024-12-18 12:31

It takes about 2 hours for me to overcome morning grogginess, anxiety and cope with pain of loss. Yes, they can coexist. Now, I need to look what is the best I can do today.

2024-12-19 20:42

I slept very poorly last night. I doubt I got one hour of sleep. So, exhausted today. Thought about lost hope to go to court was hunting me all night. So, I am back to idea I had 9 years ago: publish my story and create videos about it. Just I will do it tomorrow, because now even this diary entry is a challenge.

2024-12-20 11:55

I slept very bad again. At 8:45 decided to get up and fell asleep after turned on a side to get up. Then wake up at 10:45. I have big hopes for these 2 hours of sleep. Still very groggy, but there is a hope.

I planed to go through the statements prepared by Michelle Campbell, barrister of Moya de Luca-Leonard. It is mostly about the things she has not mentioned in the statements, not what is in it.

2024-12-21 15:19

I need to send that part of complaint today and I am freezing. Half of day passed and I have not done anything useful yet.

It is so difficult to focus, that instead of writing description of misconduct of de Luca-Leonard and Campbell I want write "bla bla bla". Any attempt to remember what has happened and my brain goes "No, no, shutdown, shutdown...".

2024-12-22 10:53

I sent yesterday update for my complaint about de Luca-Leonard. It was not good, but I was completely out of energy. My plan was to take a bit of break today before proceeding to other tasks. I am so tired, my whole body hurts. Yet, the first thoughts that came to my mind was that Moodley and Ceballos got away without any consequences just because I had no energy to go to court years and a half ago.

11:23 finally collected myself. I will still try to spend more time outside as my body is showing to many signs of lack of sun exposure.

2024-12-23 12:37

I woke up again remember the time when I got injured as if it was yesterday. I want to do so many things that I was not able to do then, but now it is too late. The best option is to do now what I can, but I have a problem - I am exhausted. I was very unproductive for the last week. Just hitting brick wall at any attempt to deal with current problem with scamming lawyers. So, I have to take a break. However, after half an hour spent in garden (just managed to water plants) anxiety build up so much, that I can not do it anymore. So, I am back at my work place. But I am not doing anything, just staring at monitor. So, new plan, I will try to clean up table, that is so loaded with unfinished tasks, that I have hard time finding a spot for a cup of tea.

2024-12-25 05:40

I try not to miss any day in diary, but I missed yesterday. I went to Lithuanian gathering for Kučios. It used to be fun event, but this year more than any other year before I do realize my losses. It is just pain, pain, pain. Where ever I look. It stays the same this morning. I know I could have done so many things differently and somehow my head was not working. BTW I just realized I did one mistake yesterday. I do not know how to fix it, if it is possible.

2024-12-29 20:49

I thought I missed only one day. That is exhaustion for you. I used to hate when I can not remember what has happened during past few days, weeks, months or years. However, I am starting to think that it is not so bad as I was feeling overwhelmed last several days and there is nothing to remember.

2024-12-30 21:03

Yesterday evening pdf viewer did not work. I thought that the easiest option would be to do system upgrade. My computer did not display desktop after login when I turned it on this morning. I am still stuck. Nothing helps. I am sure the problem is simple, but solution is just not coming to my head. I have been using GNU/Linux for 30 years now. It should be a simple problem to fix, but I can not even think where to start.

I was about to give up and go to sleep when out of nowhere I remember that about 11-12 years ago I wanted to decide what desktop environment I want to use for all computers and I tested several of them. Installing it was easy. So, I thought OK, I will install another one. So, I did. The funny thing is that I reinstalled the one that I am already using, but it fixed the problem. One command. I could have done it at 7:00 in the morning when I tried to login to my computer for the first time this morning.

2024-12-31 19:48

I got up about 5:00 after not being able to fall asleep for about an hour. Got maybe an hour of sleep around 8:00, but that was by far not enough. Therefore most of the day was very unproductive. I will try to squeeze a little bit of useful time before going to see fireworks.

2025

01

2025-01-01 18:31

Tonight I woke up dripping in sweat with my hear racing. I had the same thought that unless I will find some way to seek justice against the driver who tried to kill me I will never feel safe.

To highlight how tired I am I should mention that now my right thumb hurts just press space. BTW that is the same one that was in stronger pain after the injury.

2025-01-02 12:25

Again skipped the day. OK, there were few things I want to write about:

1. Sweating at night so much that I am dripping with the sweat and sometimes thinking that something is crawling on my skin, while it is just drops of sweat running down.
2. Heightened super-vigilance, so that I jump from the smallest noise.
3. Guild of giving up after doing 80% of the work.

2025-01-05 08:20

4 hours of sleep. I am so tired that I am not able to distinguish am I thinking about the subject or just generating random thoughts mostly gibberish. However, my body insist that I can not sleep, so I try to do the best I can.

16:07 I felt so tired that could not physically sit, so I went to lie down for a bit. I watched for a bit some videos, then decided to get up. But I could not. Just too exhausted. Then I woke up. I was trying to get up in my dream. However, I slept for very short time, maybe 10 minutes. I thought that it will be to difficult to get up, but then I felt pain for all the lost time and betrayal by my solicitors, and getting up was no longer difficult.

16:44 I have turned on news to help to stay awake. It was sports section. There was some game. Commentator was saying that it is such a huge achievement that one team one, and it is great loss that one team lost. I am like what do you mean: this is a game, one team losses and one team wins. Then I remember that I got no response when I contacted news about my story. It has helped me to get angry. I am not going to fight with news, pick your battles, but I should deal with lawyers and corrupt government officials, and the driver.

2025-01-06 20:30

I did not miss a day and that is good enough.

2025-01-07 08:40

4 hours of sleep and then 4 hours simply lying and resting. Resting feels like waste of time. I already forgot what I wanted to write. This is going to be very difficult day.

I remember what I wanted to write

2025-01-08 12:33

That was the end of the energy yesterday. I wanted to write yesterday a tip about drinking water to check hunger level, when your body sensations are so numbed that you can not feel hunger.

2025-01-09 11:23

The pain in my heart got very strong. That is not a good sign. I may need to slow down and take more rest, but I am already not being able to do main things I have to do.

I remember now: yesterday I was cleaning some draws that got some mold and I emptied the draw with tennis balls. My wife used to joke that I still keep a lot of sports equipment in the same easy to access places as I did just before getting injured. As if I will pick it next day and go to play tennis. However, this part of my life ended 10 years ago. That was very painful reminder. However, it is true. I can not hide from it or ignore the pain. The only option I can think of is to own the pain and hope that it will help me to tolerate it.

20:28 I was thinking where did my day go. It feels like I just sit down to focus. However, just now I went 5 times to bedroom to pick up my phone. Every time I went there I forgot, then would come back, look at the screen what to do next and go after the phone again. The last time I went I was almost screaming "pick the phone" to make sure I do not forget it again.

2025-01-10 18:01

Bad day. Most of the day I had heart rate at 120. So, there was no surprise that there was pain. Just none or relaxation techniques worked today.

2025-01-11 13:59

I had such a hard time getting up that I wanted to write about it. However, now I feel so tired that this feel even more important. So, I will write a bit about Trauma#Heart damage.

Crap. Very slow day.

2025-01-12 08:43

I woke up after 4:00. I do not remember how much. Previously for few nights I was not able to fall asleep even after phone calls to help line. So, now I tried without phone calls for few days. It did not work also. I spent now more than 4 hours trying everything, just short of Valium as it is was a bit too late into the morning.

2025-01-13 12:55

Yesterday, I had these moments when my mind glitches a bit. It was not so precisely exceptional, so there could be other explanations, but it fits for glitching when you take a wider view. About 22:00 I was feeling exhausted and started preparing to go to sleep. Two hours late I found myself watching some animation. I was feeling tired and hardly could focus, but I was thinking that I need to complete an adventure. It feels that my brain is so tired of all current struggles, that it takes fantasy as a reality. Brr. I woke up from this only because my flatmate went to bathroom and it was an outside trigger to bring me back to reality.

2025-01-14 20:59

Very short day. I am trying to motivate myself by writing comments on forums as I was struggling to do anything related to the injury and now I need to deal very difficult part - misrepresentation at PIC Assessment Conference 2023-06-28.

2025-01-15 10:21

Took an advice to go to see sun in the morning. Went to my garden. In 10 minutes I got bitten by more than 20 mosquitoes. Collecting rain water in open containers is bad idea. I just do not have time to fix it. I never finished setting up my garden. It is as it was 10 years ago, only some plants grown to small trees.

Focusing today is so hard, that I feel that I am going break my teeth. Watched few motivational videos. My head started working a little bit. Now I remembered that my phone is not working and the first thing that I had to do was to set up new SIM card.

2025-01-16 18:51

My average heart rate was higher for a while now. The pain in my heart followed. Now, the pain gets stronger even during physical activity. The link is clear. However, it is very difficult to stay less agitated.

2025-01-17 07:38

Yesterday, I spent half of the day trying to figure out why my phone is not working. It seems the phone that I bought only to be allowed to use Telstra network does not work in Vodafone network. The rest of the day I was too tired.

I stayed in bed about 5h, but I spent a lot of time turning and twisting. Now I am making mistake in every second keystroke, yet I was not able to fall back to sleep.

2025-01-19 13:38

Yesterday, was another day when I tried to fix not being able to access mobile network. I gave up. I can not follow instructions, can not analyze problems or research for solutions. Yes, that was something I was very good at, but now I can not do it. I need to stick on my limited function otherwise I can not complete even daily tasks.

17:13 one the hopes when starting publishing everything in one place was that I will no longer lose information. I am very sure I wrote in detail what to do and what information to collect after the road collision and I can not find it anymore. Well, I will write it again Road traffic injury#Key information.

2025-01-20 12:58

Early this morning I noticed someone asked me how my personal injury claim went, was your payout fair in the end? I started writing how unfair it was, but could not finish. It was just too overwhelming how much I have lost. I can not deal with it yet.

There were so many urgent tasks, that I can not even pick one to start with.

14:33 have not done anything useful. My head is just not working. I was going to add letter I sent to Attorney General to my we site. When I started doing it I realized that I already have most of this information online: Alfonsas Stonis personal injury claim - short story.

15:27 All day I am feeling as if I am in immediate danger. It will not go away. Just trigger about unfair payout was too much :(.

18:50 I am looking at the message from 2023-05. I put so much effort hoping to get fair payout and it all went to nothing.

2025-01-21 12:33

I was so exhausted yesterday that end up watching some TV series. I did it in 20 min block. Watched for 20 min, then tried to do something useful. Can not focus, then watched again. 2 episodes like this, 1 hour each.

Few more thoughts about PTSD symptoms#Nightmares.

2025-01-22 12:14

I am glad the night is over. I do not know how much I slept, but it is over. I lost count how many times I died in my dreams last night. I got up with miserable feeling of loss. To make things worse my right leg is in strong pain again. Upcoming weather change? But what can you do? Collect myself and try to do the best I can today.

2025-01-23 15:02

Today I am more overwhelmed by the feeling of loss than usually. I feel that I completely failed to help my mother.

20:59 I feel tired and can not focus. But I want to write about one thing.

Failing to accept help. I was mean to get a small table. There was also a small shelf, so I took it too. I miscalculate weight of the table. It has metal legst and these were heavy. I had to carry a bit of a distance, so I will struggle, but I can manage. When I approaching train station one young woman offered to help. However, I thought that she will be going to station so, no point asking her to help when it is not on her route. So, I thanked her but I will managed. I come with idea that I should have told that is OK, it is a proper exercise. After I passed train station another woman offered to help. I was already properly tired, sweat was running over my back. I agreed her to help me to cross the road. Then she asked where I am going. I told Redfern. I was stupid, because we are already in Redfern. I should told there street I am going to. Instead I told that I will manager, that it is a proper exercise. However, it was stupid. Someone offered to help, I was tired and it was on the way anyway. I should have yes. I been looking so hard for help and not being to find one. Now someone on the street offered to help me. That happens very rarely. I can count such cases through whole my life on my hands. I could have for a short time enjoyed feeling that there is help and life is normal, I am normal, recovered. Instead I said no. When I come back home I realized, that I dripping in sweat. My shirt was completely soaked through. I realized that it takes a kind person to offer help. My refusal to accept it felt almost offensive. If my head was not preoccupied with other stuff I would said yes. However, now it is always preoccupied. I feel so stupid. I react absurdly. I should said yes, but I said no. Now I overreact, but I can not stop it.

2025-01-24 14:24

My right knee and left big toe hurts like hell. I forgot that I can not exercise :(.

2025-01-26 17:50

Missing one day. Well, considering how I feel it is good result. I was waiting to have a chat today with the mentor from the Mentoring Man, but at the last minute got triggered and forgot. This already happened with many appointments in the past. This is how it went.

I remember the call just before 14:00. I went to pick up the phone, but by the time I reached the bedroom I forgot what I went for. I have been overwhelmed for several days now. The pain of the loss that I was not able to deal with the trauma, especially that I was not able to do anything about the driver getting away without any accountability. These thoughts are constantly interrupting me, bringing me back in time so that I no longer remember what I am doing. So, now after being interrupted I could not remember what I was doing and automatically without realizing switched to something else. I decided that I wanted to change to go to the garden. More than hour later I remember that I am waiting for the call. I checked the phone, but there is no missed call. I could not understand why.

After checking for some time I found the problem and remember what I was doing. About two weeks ago my mobile prepaid plan was about to expire. I was with Boost (Telstra), but I had some problems in the past. So, I switched to TPG (Vodafone). Unfortunately, TPG does not work with my phone. While trying to make it work I did factory reset and forgot to reinstall whatsapp. So, I was going to check my phone to see that whatsapp is working properly when my thoughts indentured me and forgot that I was waiting for a call while.

2025-01-28 22:01

This is a sad example how much energy I had yesterday. I started writing diary, but all I managed to do was to write date and time.

2025-01-29 11:50

This is very bad. I do not have enough energy to complete diary entry for the third day in a raw.

Waterfall of triggers. The perfect storm of triggers started about 10 days ago, but my memory faded already, that I can not remember some of it, but here are some main events.

1. Time to complete writing about betrayal by Livers. I was planing to be done with it a year ago. However, the I was not able to do it yet. The passage of time and the other tasks that can not be put on hold any further started pressuring me lately, that I have to finish it. However, I have not done even half of it.
2. Renewed attempt to deal with the driver and police is popping in my mind more often. It is become very hard to put it off. Even if my chances to get good result are almost non existent.
3. 10 year anniversary is approaching. My body is already detecting changes in weather. It will only intensify.
4. I have been reading posts in forums where people are asking for advice on the same problems I have and sharing bits of my story. This helps a bit by providing some extra motivation and energy to work on my tasks. One of the post was about someone getting injured in road collision and the driver at fault got $200 fine and 3 demerit points for putting another road users life in danger. That was way less than any other fine for minor issues like improperly fixed attached L-plate. Yet, he got much better result than I did.
5. On Tuesday I had 3 appointments. It was more cycling that usual. It still was nothing to excessive, and would be a good exercise for a healthy person. It is actual strongly recommended for me to increase amount of physical exercise for many health reasons. However, for me it is a risk as it can trigger pain in joints injured during road collision 10 years ago, especially right knee and left big toe.
6. The last appointment was an assessment for participating in Traumatic Stress Clinic treatment program. It will be useful in a long run, but it triggers some memories in a short run.

I went to Safe Haven hoping to reduce stress levels. However, I made a mistake by staying in main area instead of asking for a private chat. There were two key changes in my functioning in such case that makes avoid social interactions a good idea:

1. I do not express myself well by not providing context, but focusing on very emotional part. This makes me sound very unreasonable, almost rude.
2. I get triggered very easily. At one point talk moved towards difference in cities and without realising I was dripping in sweat and not being able to focus on the story being told by other people.

2025-01-31 17:25

I do not even remember what was yesterday. Today is going to be very similar. See you tomorrow.

2025-02-03 11:51

It is not the next day, but it is what it is. I watched video yesterday on Facebook of child riding bicycle on the streets. It looked safe as drivers were obeying road rules. I thought for my self, that this is a safe place for child to grow. This morning I opened Facebook and there was a post of cyclist killed by car. There were so many trolls on comments, saying that cyclist got what he deserved, the cyclist was also to blame for take space on the news. Only after I close post and was about to get up I noticed that I was dripping in sweat. I remember importance of being philosophical. If there were so many idiots in this world it should not be hard to outsmart them even with my limitations.

2025-02-05 11:57

I was aware that time is passing by, but I was not able to do anything productive. Awareness does not feel nice, when you have no energy to take any action.

My brain is just refusing to function :(. 4 cups of coffee, but it is not helping.

2025-02-06 10:41

Very often I come up with the times when I have been very stupid since the injury. I have a feeling that I am not being able to think about important things now also. I just come with some realization about it. To give my self a tiny break I looked at Facebook. The first post was propaganda - cyclists do not pay for roads. This is not true, check the facts.

2025-02-07 11:36

I was scared that today will be same useless as yesterday. As yesterday I did not manage to write a single word in a document that I started month ago and I was sure that I will complete a week ago. 4 cups of coffee and burning amount of jalapenos and I feel that I can start.