Diary 2025

This is my Diary for 2025.

01

2025-01-01 18:31

Tonight I woke up dripping in sweat with my hear racing. I had the same thought that unless I will find some way to seek justice against the driver who tried to kill me I will never feel safe.

To highlight how tired I am I should mention that now my right thumb hurts just press space. BTW that is the same one that was in stronger pain after the injury.

2025-01-02 12:25

Again skipped the day. OK, there were few things I want to write about:

1. Sweating at night so much that I am dripping with the sweat and sometimes thinking that something is crawling on my skin, while it is just drops of sweat running down.
2. Heightened super-vigilance, so that I jump from the smallest noise.
3. Guild of giving up after doing 80% of the work.

2025-01-05 08:20

4 hours of sleep. I am so tired that I am not able to distinguish am I thinking about the subject or just generating random thoughts mostly gibberish. However, my body insist that I can not sleep, so I try to do the best I can.

16:07 I felt so tired that could not physically sit, so I went to lie down for a bit. I watched for a bit some videos, then decided to get up. But I could not. Just too exhausted. Then I woke up. I was trying to get up in my dream. However, I slept for very short time, maybe 10 minutes. I thought that it will be to difficult to get up, but then I felt pain for all the lost time and betrayal by my solicitors, and getting up was no longer difficult.

16:44 I have turned on news to help to stay awake. It was sports section. There was some game. Commentator was saying that it is such a huge achievement that one team one, and it is great loss that one team lost. I am like what do you mean: this is a game, one team losses and one team wins. Then I remember that I got no response when I contacted news about my story. It has helped me to get angry. I am not going to fight with news, pick your battles, but I should deal with lawyers and corrupt government officials, and the driver.

2025-01-06 20:30

I did not miss a day and that is good enough.

2025-01-07 08:40

4 hours of sleep and then 4 hours simply lying and resting. Resting feels like waste of time. I already forgot what I wanted to write. This is going to be very difficult day.

I remember what I wanted to write

2025-01-08 12:33

That was the end of the energy yesterday. I wanted to write yesterday a tip about drinking water to check hunger level, when your body sensations are so numbed that you can not feel hunger.

2025-01-09 11:23

The pain in my heart got very strong. That is not a good sign. I may need to slow down and take more rest, but I am already not being able to do main things I have to do.

I remember now: yesterday I was cleaning some draws that got some mold and I emptied the draw with tennis balls. My wife used to joke that I still keep a lot of sports equipment in the same easy to access places as I did just before getting injured. As if I will pick it next day and go to play tennis. However, this part of my life ended 10 years ago. That was very painful reminder. However, it is true. I can not hide from it or ignore the pain. The only option I can think of is to own the pain and hope that it will help me to tolerate it.

20:28 I was thinking where did my day go. It feels like I just sit down to focus. However, just now I went 5 times to bedroom to pick up my phone. Every time I went there I forgot, then would come back, look at the screen what to do next and go after the phone again. The last time I went I was almost screaming "pick the phone" to make sure I do not forget it again.

2025-01-10 18:01

Bad day. Most of the day I had heart rate at 120. So, there was no surprise that there was pain. Just none or relaxation techniques worked today.

2025-01-11 13:59

I had such a hard time getting up that I wanted to write about it. However, now I feel so tired that this feel even more important. So, I will write a bit about Trauma#Heart damage.

Crap. Very slow day.

2025-01-12 08:43

I woke up after 4:00. I do not remember how much. Previously for few nights I was not able to fall asleep even after phone calls to help line. So, now I tried without phone calls for few days. It did not work also. I spent now more than 4 hours trying everything, just short of Valium as it is was a bit too late into the morning.

2025-01-13 12:55

Yesterday, I had these moments when my mind glitches a bit. It was not so precisely exceptional, so there could be other explanations, but it fits for glitching when you take a wider view. About 22:00 I was feeling exhausted and started preparing to go to sleep. Two hours late I found myself watching some animation. I was feeling tired and hardly could focus, but I was thinking that I need to complete an adventure. It feels that my brain is so tired of all current struggles, that it takes fantasy as a reality. Brr. I woke up from this only because my flatmate went to bathroom and it was an outside trigger to bring me back to reality.

2025-01-14 20:59

Very short day. I am trying to motivate myself by writing comments on forums as I was struggling to do anything related to the injury and now I need to deal very difficult part - misrepresentation at PIC Assessment Conference 2023-06-28.

2025-01-15 10:21

Took an advice to go to see sun in the morning. Went to my garden. In 10 minutes I got bitten by more than 20 mosquitoes. Collecting rain water in open containers is bad idea. I just do not have time to fix it. I never finished setting up my garden. It is as it was 10 years ago, only some plants grown to small trees.

Focusing today is so hard, that I feel that I am going break my teeth. Watched few motivational videos. My head started working a little bit. Now I remembered that my phone is not working and the first thing that I had to do was to set up new SIM card.

2025-01-16 18:51

My average heart rate was higher for a while now. The pain in my heart followed. Now, the pain gets stronger even during physical activity. The link is clear. However, it is very difficult to stay less agitated.

2025-01-17 07:38

Yesterday, I spent half of the day trying to figure out why my phone is not working. It seems the phone that I bought only to be allowed to use Telstra network does not work in Vodafone network. The rest of the day I was too tired.

I stayed in bed about 5h, but I spent a lot of time turning and twisting. Now I am making mistake in every second keystroke, yet I was not able to fall back to sleep.

2025-01-19 13:38

Yesterday, was another day when I tried to fix not being able to access mobile network. I gave up. I can not follow instructions, can not analyze problems or research for solutions. Yes, that was something I was very good at, but now I can not do it. I need to stick on my limited function otherwise I can not complete even daily tasks.

17:13 one the hopes when starting publishing everything in one place was that I will no longer lose information. I am very sure I wrote in detail what to do and what information to collect after the road collision and I can not find it anymore. Well, I will write it again Road traffic injury#Key information.

2025-01-20 12:58

Early this morning I noticed someone asked me how my personal injury claim went, was your payout fair in the end? I started writing how unfair it was, but could not finish. It was just too overwhelming how much I have lost. I can not deal with it yet.

There were so many urgent tasks, that I can not even pick one to start with.

14:33 have not done anything useful. My head is just not working. I was going to add letter I sent to Attorney General to my we site. When I started doing it I realized that I already have most of this information online: Alfonsas Stonis personal injury claim - short story.

15:27 All day I am feeling as if I am in immediate danger. It will not go away. Just trigger about unfair payout was too much :(.

18:50 I am looking at the message from 2023-05. I put so much effort hoping to get fair payout and it all went to nothing.

2025-01-21 12:33

I was so exhausted yesterday that end up watching some TV series. I did it in 20 min block. Watched for 20 min, then tried to do something useful. Can not focus, then watched again. 2 episodes like this, 1 hour each.

Few more thoughts about PTSD symptoms#Nightmares.

2025-01-22 12:14

I am glad the night is over. I do not know how much I slept, but it is over. I lost count how many times I died in my dreams last night. I got up with miserable feeling of loss. To make things worse my right leg is in strong pain again. Upcoming weather change? But what can you do? Collect myself and try to do the best I can today.

2025-01-23 15:02

Today I am more overwhelmed by the feeling of loss than usually. I feel that I completely failed to help my mother.

20:59 I feel tired and can not focus. But I want to write about one thing.

Failing to accept help. I was mean to get a small table. There was also a small shelf, so I took it too. I miscalculate weight of the table. It has metal legst and these were heavy. I had to carry a bit of a distance, so I will struggle, but I can manage. When I approaching train station one young woman offered to help. However, I thought that she will be going to station so, no point asking her to help when it is not on her route. So, I thanked her but I will managed. I come with idea that I should have told that is OK, it is a proper exercise. After I passed train station another woman offered to help. I was already properly tired, sweat was running over my back. I agreed her to help me to cross the road. Then she asked where I am going. I told Redfern. I was stupid, because we are already in Redfern. I should told there street I am going to. Instead I told that I will manager, that it is a proper exercise. However, it was stupid. Someone offered to help, I was tired and it was on the way anyway. I should have yes. I been looking so hard for help and not being to find one. Now someone on the street offered to help me. That happens very rarely. I can count such cases through whole my life on my hands. I could have for a short time enjoyed feeling that there is help and life is normal, I am normal, recovered. Instead I said no. When I come back home I realized, that I dripping in sweat. My shirt was completely soaked through. I realized that it takes a kind person to offer help. My refusal to accept it felt almost offensive. If my head was not preoccupied with other stuff I would said yes. However, now it is always preoccupied. I feel so stupid. I react absurdly. I should said yes, but I said no. Now I overreact, but I can not stop it.

2025-01-24 14:24

My right knee and left big toe hurts like hell. I forgot that I can not exercise :(.

2025-01-26 17:50

Missing one day. Well, considering how I feel it is good result. I was waiting to have a chat today with the mentor from the Mentoring Man, but at the last minute got triggered and forgot. This already happened with many appointments in the past. This is how it went.

I remember the call just before 14:00. I went to pick up the phone, but by the time I reached the bedroom I forgot what I went for. I have been overwhelmed for several days now. The pain of the loss that I was not able to deal with the trauma, especially that I was not able to do anything about the driver getting away without any accountability. These thoughts are constantly interrupting me, bringing me back in time so that I no longer remember what I am doing. So, now after being interrupted I could not remember what I was doing and automatically without realizing switched to something else. I decided that I wanted to change to go to the garden. More than hour later I remember that I am waiting for the call. I checked the phone, but there is no missed call. I could not understand why.

After checking for some time I found the problem and remember what I was doing. About two weeks ago my mobile prepaid plan was about to expire. I was with Boost (Telstra), but I had some problems in the past. So, I switched to TPG (Vodafone). Unfortunately, TPG does not work with my phone. While trying to make it work I did factory reset and forgot to reinstall whatsapp. So, I was going to check my phone to see that whatsapp is working properly when my thoughts indentured me and forgot that I was waiting for a call while.

2025-01-28 22:01

This is a sad example how much energy I had yesterday. I started writing diary, but all I managed to do was to write date and time.

2025-01-29 11:50

This is very bad. I do not have enough energy to complete diary entry for the third day in a raw.

Waterfall of triggers. The perfect storm of triggers started about 10 days ago, but my memory faded already, that I can not remember some of it, but here are some main events.

1. Time to complete writing about betrayal by Livers. I was planing to be done with it a year ago. However, the I was not able to do it yet. The passage of time and the other tasks that can not be put on hold any further started pressuring me lately, that I have to finish it. However, I have not done even half of it.
2. Renewed attempt to deal with the driver and police is popping in my mind more often. It is become very hard to put it off. Even if my chances to get good result are almost non existent.
3. 10 year anniversary is approaching. My body is already detecting changes in weather. It will only intensify.
4. I have been reading posts in forums where people are asking for advice on the same problems I have and sharing bits of my story. This helps a bit by providing some extra motivation and energy to work on my tasks. One of the post was about someone getting injured in road collision and the driver at fault got $200 fine and 3 demerit points for putting another road users life in danger. That was way less than any other fine for minor issues like improperly fixed attached L-plate. Yet, he got much better result than I did.
5. On Tuesday I had 3 appointments. It was more cycling that usual. It still was nothing to excessive, and would be a good exercise for a healthy person. It is actual strongly recommended for me to increase amount of physical exercise for many health reasons. However, for me it is a risk as it can trigger pain in joints injured during road collision 10 years ago, especially right knee and left big toe.
6. The last appointment was an assessment for participating in Traumatic Stress Clinic treatment program. It will be useful in a long run, but it triggers some memories in a short run.

I went to Safe Haven hoping to reduce stress levels. However, I made a mistake by staying in main area instead of asking for a private chat. There were two key changes in my functioning in such case that makes avoid social interactions a good idea:

1. I do not express myself well by not providing context, but focusing on very emotional part. This makes me sound very unreasonable, almost rude.
2. I get triggered very easily. At one point talk moved towards difference in cities and without realising I was dripping in sweat and not being able to focus on the story being told by other people.

2025-01-31 17:25

I do not even remember what was yesterday. Today is going to be very similar. See you tomorrow.

02

2025-02-03 11:51

It is not the next day, but it is what it is. I watched video yesterday on Facebook of child riding bicycle on the streets. It looked safe as drivers were obeying road rules. I thought for my self, that this is a safe place for child to grow. This morning I opened Facebook and there was a post of cyclist killed by car. There were so many trolls on comments, saying that cyclist got what he deserved, the cyclist was also to blame for take space on the news. Only after I close post and was about to get up I noticed that I was dripping in sweat. I remember importance of being philosophical. If there were so many idiots in this world it should not be hard to outsmart them even with my limitations.

2025-02-05 11:57

I was aware that time is passing by, but I was not able to do anything productive. Awareness does not feel nice, when you have no energy to take any action.

My brain is just refusing to function :(. 4 cups of coffee, but it is not helping.

2025-02-06 10:41

Very often I come up with the times when I have been very stupid since the injury. I have a feeling that I am not being able to think about important things now also. I just come with some realization about it. To give my self a tiny break I looked at Facebook. The first post was propaganda - cyclists do not pay for roads. This is not true, check the facts.

2025-02-07 11:36

I was scared that today will be same useless as yesterday. As yesterday I did not manage to write a single word in a document that I started month ago and I was sure that I will complete a week ago. 4 cups of coffee and burning amount of jalapenos and I feel that I can start.

I was planing to finish one document. It was meant to take about 20 minutes. It is almost night and I have not done it yet. I feel so defeated.

2025-02-08 15:53

How do you find the energy when there is none?

You tap into the pain of loosing 10 years of your life. That pain should be good for something.

2025-02-10 11:31

I have an appointment with Local Area Coordinator for NDIS. As it often happens with appointments could not sleep last night at all.

BTW another absurd things is that I went to computer to write some important thought, but by the time I came here I already forgot.

2025-02-17 11:22

Week ago I had one of these rare moments of clarity. I remembered what I wanted to help my mother take hip replacement surgery as a matter of urgency. That was 10 years ago. I have not done anything for 10 years. She lived 10 years in severe pain and I did nothing. Now her health deteriorated so much that there is nothing possible to do. I feel so much guild that want an earth to swallow me at any step. How it is possible to forget something so important for 10 years.

I just can not function right now.

2025-02-22 06:53

Positive/negative reinforcement. I needed to make a decision about potential flatmate, he seemed good candidate, my instinct was saying that everything is good, but I still hesitated. The fear from CPTSD prevented me from taking decision. I was not able to realize that there is no reason to hesitate. Or to think how it looks from potential flatmates perspective. The price of this mistake is not so catastrophic as of the ones I am trying to deal with right now. However, I do need to think, realize and remember that I can make small decisions based on information and instinct without hesitation. Hesitation is more expensive than mistake.

03

2025-03-03 12:18

So, it has been about 10 days when I was feeling to overwhelmed event to write a single entry in diary. Not good. I am thinking that seasonal changes might be affecting me to, as the time of original injury comes close.

I woke up in the morning feeling very down and still exhausted. Spent an hour just lying down and resting, did not fall asleep. Got up only with the promise to go to Safe Haven as the first thing. However, it took me so long to get through the morning routine, that I am now thinking that it is too time consuming to go there.

2025-03-06 12:48

Yesterday, I was so exhausted and distracted that managed to write only time and date, but no description. I can not say, that I feel much better today, but I may be a bit more determent.

2025-03-08 21:33

I slept very bad. Managed to collect my self about 17:00. The first thing on the list was to check posts on reddit. The first post I wanted to reply was about someones struggles with police because they are not doing their job. It reminded my experience, so good time to share my story. I wanted to write about GIPA application. However, I wrote nothing.

2025-03-10 19:51

Usually I check emails in the morning and then write diary entry. I just checked emails :).

2025-03-12 14:47

I woke up feeling exhausted, but still got up as soon as I could as I have a lot to do. I was planing to go to Safe Haven, to calm myself hoping that I will be able to focus better later on. However, I changed my mind thinking that it is too big luxury to go there. Instead, I stayed at home and tried to do one task at a time, starting with the smaller ones. I am still at the smaller ones and most of the day already passed :(.

I bought tickets to go back to see my mum. Traveling causes a lot of stress, but risk of not traveling in time is even more stressful. One funny moment: PTSD symptoms#Repeated shower.

2025-03-18 10:27

Several nights ago I had a dream, where I was on holidays in tropic place. The house was at the edge of jungle. On the way home I noticed tiger sneaking to hunt monkey. I thought I hope they will not bet tempted to hunt us. They did. I spend few hours trying to safe my self and people close to me. When I woke up I still could feel rough tiger tongue on my face.

I can write a scenario for a new horror movie every day.

Las several nights I slept hardly few hours each night. Last night exhaustion finally took over and I slept about 6 hours. I have two types of dreams: deadly threat at night and great loss mostly in the morning after sunrise. The last dream was after the road collision in 2015 I got proper support. So, I recovered emotionally even if I had significant cognitive constraints and chronic physical pain. I was optimistic. I come back to university in Lithuania for some post doctorate training. I was late, I could not focus, but people were kind to me and I was optimistic. I remember that feeling of calmness only in my dreams and very rarely.

2025-03-23 15:30

My mum died yesterday. I brought her to emergency on Saturday to have ex-ray of her let as I suspected that it might be broken. Instead, she was admitted to the hospital waiting for decision will they do the surgery. Already when admitted were told that her blood has law concentration. We said that she needs medication to help her to get rid of liquids. She was given of one litre drip into her veins every day. On the third day we were told to stop given her medication. Several hours later she passed away. Knowing how much liquid she had to accumulate in these few days even very healthy man would pass away. I was trying to help here in other ways so, I did not realized the importance was checking what she was given.

The rest of the entry I will copy from my notes in Lithuanian as I want to be accurate as possible.

2025-03-30 21:49

I am still in shock; in my mind my mum is still alive. It seems that I will see her and say hi, if I just go downstairs. Just few days ago she was saying "Alpukai!", happy to see me. That she will joke that she is work and well fed, she is happy, what else she can ask for.

But she is dead. I am terrified that I will have no strength to see justice for her. I am scared that this arrogant individual will be living his life and potentially harming other people as nothing has happened. So far I am freezing every time I try to write about it.

2025-03-31 16:02

How do you write about death of your mother. I do not know. Every attempt to remember these events is highjacked by the thought that if my mind would been sharp enough, I could have stopped doctor from taking pointless dangerous actions that almost certainly caused death of my mother. I just cannot collect all the information. I have to do it, but I am not being able too.

04

2025-04-01 18:37

I so do not want to write about death of my mother. Every memory is painful, every moment is a moment when I was not able to recognize the deadly threat and take action.

I cannot focus, so I tried to run something in the background. I tried comedy but cannot laugh. I started watching TV series based on true story about serial rapist. It seemed how had women find to deal with trauma and not being able to provide details. But my mum is dead, and I am not able to write how she has died.

2025-04-06 18:39

Time is just running by with me feeling completely exhausted and in so much pain. My mother had one incredible feature: she could never be broken by difficulties in her life. Unfortunately, her life was very hard and difficult. However, even when she was bed bound and had so much chronic pain almost every time, I asked how she is doing she would say "I have been fed very tasty meal and I had a long night sleep, there is nothing I can complain about".

And now she is dead. Because of one doctor who prescribed deadly amount of Ringer's solution in short time when there was no need for it at all and there were strong contraindications. I was beside my mother but was not able to recognize the danger or act in time.

2025-04-07 15:54

I am starting to realize how things went so terribly wrong. My mother died due to absurd doctor's negligence two weeks ago. The terrible part is that I brought her to hospital myself and was together for the last 2 days but did not realize that the liquids she was administered were dangerous. I realized it only when it was too late. There will be a terrible guild to live with for many years, but right now I am trying to figure out is there anything I can do against that arrogant individual that caused my mother's deaths. It seems laws, procedures and attitudes are not in my favour.

16:42 I was frozen in a sport trying to write about the reasons why police should investigate my mother's death yet not being able to write anything even if I have everything in my head.

2025-04-08 13:27

I am still not able to write to police request to review decision not to investigate my mother's death. However, I do not know any other way to deal with this freeze other than trying to push as hard as I can and move forward inch by inch.

About 40 min ago I was feeling so exhausted that I felt I can nod do anything. I did very little in the last 3 weeks, but I least I was trying. Now I was feeling that I no longer have any strength even to try. Then I thought about my mother and the little things she used to enjoy. I brought from kitchen some dark chocolate that we used to buy for our mother. She loved it. However, she was able to move very little, so she had to obey very strict diet. In one go I probably ate more than she would in a week. Now, I can say to myself - be strong, at least try even if you will not succeed.

2025-04-11 19:29

I was feeling so exhausted that I had to put my head on my hands to rest a bit. "Alpukai" I heard my mother's voice and looked at her smiling face. She always smiled when she saw me, and she smiled the same way when she saw me when I come back few days just before her death. Actually, she always smiled whenever she saw one of her children or grandchildren or any other familiar face. I wake up. I no longer need rest. I have not done anything yet, to keep person who is guilty of her death to be held accountable.

2025-04-16 14:43

One trip: I left my glasses twice, left cable for computer charger, just now charger itself and several other things. However, none of these matters as I did not notice that dripper is causing serious health problems for my mother and she has died. I can cope with my incapacity to function with this exception.

2025-04-17 21:55

Trip is almost over. I managed to lose a bit more stuff and miscalculate a lot, but it doesn't matter. All these things are minor. The main thing is life and my mother's was taken away and I was not able to do anything. I'm trying to focus and do something useful now but I can not. Just can't.

2025-04-21 10:47

I learned a lot about importance of challenging fears to avoid getting mind blockage, yet I am freezing now, when I am thinking about writing to prosecutor's office asking to investigate my mother's death. It is one thing to say, that you should do it, but it is very different story actually doing it.

2025-04-23 13:38

Half of the day already passed and I have not done anything. I was planing to go to Safe Haven in the morning, but I was feeling sick. I thought I will do it in afternoon if I feel better. Instead I am feeling worse.

2025-04-24 16:50

I had so many dreams about loss that I decided to get up as I hope morning is close. It proved to be just past 1:00. Yet, it is till better than day before.

Whole day I am trying to do something useful, and did not move an inch. However, it is clear. I need to send a request to investigate my mothers death today, otherwise I am going mad. Through all fogginess in my I was finally able to put together everything that happened when my mother died and the only explanation is a murder. I do not know will I be able to prove it, but I need to do something.

BTW I can add garlic to list of useful daily tips to help with focus.

2025-04-25 10:38

Most of the time I push my self as hard as I can without doing too much damage to my health, or at least I hope so. Generally that should feel enough. However, now it does not feel like this. I feel that in order to get any useful result I should be doing more, but I do not think that I have enough energy and capacity to do more. Well I hope diary will help me to focus as I have not done anything useful today yet.

2025-04-26 08:41

I had breakfast and I want to stop here. I can feel how my body is still very tired from the lack of sleep.

BTW my physical health is reaching the limit how much I can ignore it without any significant consequences. I till try to spend one hour outside today.

10:56 I had a look at the next task. I was meant to continue working on outstanding legal fees and unfair compensation claim. However, it is so difficult to even think about it in the face of such bigger injustice as death.

2025-04-28 18:26

I can not focus on dealing with all my insurance claim fiasco. I am still alive and my mother is dead. So, it takes priority. I would like to put all that information on separate site, or at least on stonis.info. I have domain and plan, but have not time to set up. So, for now it will be on this site. I will just not add links on main page, but only here: Ona Stoniene.

2025-04-29 09:34

It has been more than a month already, but I am still freezing, when I try to think about what has happened.

2025-04-30 09:39

Last night I woke after intense nightmares so back in time, that I got up before realizing that it has already happened month ago. Brining back memories may be therapeutic, but it comes at a cost. Whole night was full of intense memories. I am already sitting here for 2 hours, but have not even started doing anything.

05

2025-05-01 15:34

I am so low on energy that any movement seems impossible. However, if you want change the situation you need to work on it. No-one is coming to help you. I got this morning email with one document that was compiled by insurance solicitor instead of mine and there is a lot of information is missing. I need to find who is at fault, but my solicitor choice was terrible. I should be adding a link to the document now, but I have no energy to work on this now.

2025-05-06 11:49

Physical pain in my heart intensified significantly. I believe it is because of stressed caused by murder of my mother and me not being able to do anything about. Nothing I do seems to help with the pain. I am thinking of starting taking more time for rest even if it will mean that everything will get prolonged, but if I die it all will be lost. The pain in heart is very strong.

I just come back from psychologist. We spoke about how to test and if need to practice sitting with difficult feelings while resting. I got 2 emails: one from Šilutė hospital stating that they will give a reply to my complaint today or tomorrow, another from someone who also hired Moya de Luca-Leonard and was misrepresented by her. This felt too much. Then I remember how I felt after my mothers day to make it more difficult I had very bad flu and I was thinking I would like Daily functioning tips#Desire to get drunk and to sober up only when it passes. I did not need to evoke these feeling, they come on their own.

2025-05-10 21:27

From the early morning I'm feeling very sick every muscle I have is in pain every joint seems to be twisted swollen I have weaknesses all body all I want to do is lay down and not do anything I had no strength to write a diary but this time actually using voice recognition I think it's actually going quite well I just don't know how to put stops to start new sentence I should Google it so I'm laying in my bed feeling completely exhausted very sick for the last seven weeks most of the time I spend being sick that is absolutely true that stress just destroys your immune system by the way today and notice that there was a message SMS from NDIS they wrote to me that they're gonna call me in one hour they overestimating my capacity to function you need to inform this three days before then two days before the day before then just before the meeting I was able to pick up the phone just because that time I was looking at the calendar on the phone I know laying in my bed I realized that him dressing for here just breathing very rapidly and shallow and it reminded me I have seen that breathing before that was my mother just before this she was breathing the same shallow stupid traumatologist stupidly good should be better content of it now anyway if I will just find out how to put stops actually gonna work well dictating because I had no strengths to type I still remember touch Of My mother's Hands of and she's for today

2025-05-11 16:44

I want to write a response to Šilutė hospital response to my complain. However, I can not even start. I just can not stay in my window of tolerance. I need also put stops in previous diary entry.

2025-05-16 11:57

The last 7 weeks were obvious reminder that

2025-05-20 19:50

I put my phone into the bag instead of keeping in the pocket because the pockets are too small and when I'm cycling there's a chance that I may lose it now all the time I was feeling that there's something wrong and I was thinking that I placed my form carefully so I could not realize what is wrong when I come back I noticed that my phone actually was at the very bottom on the in the bag rather than in a special section and all my shopping I placed on top of it so then riding my phone was absorbing all the hits from from the weight of the shopping and it was in between the of the shopping stuff and the frame of the bicycle it has not small crack so that is the thing that happens quite often I have a feeling addition that they something wrong but even when I take a time and I think and I check I still cannot find what is wrong

No a little bit scratched phone is not a big deal however I had the feeling for the last several days that I am out of time for something and I was trying to do my best but it was too slow today I got an email from office of legal service commissioner and they dismissed my complaint about the multitude sabalos the thing is that this request to review the previous decision I wrote when I was back in the end of July beginning of August that was a time that I wanted to dedicate helping my mother instead of handed up working on this stupid document which was dismissed anyway and if I spend that time helping my mother they would be a good chance that she would be okay now and I would not need to deal with hadith because she would be still alive because we would never want to stupid Hospital and now I need to look what I can do about that scamming corrupt solicitor when I have not telled this my complaint about the hospital and about the doctor who caused us to my mother I feel completely auto orphanage I just want to curl into ball and hide from everything and hope that things that are happening are not true

I am trying a new approach for diary entries I'm gonna dictate them on the phone and then add it

22:28 I want to sleep and I could not fall asleep just being turned by regret I remember how last year in July when I went back to Lithuania to spend time with my mother I got an email from office of legal service commissioner is my complaint about us being dismissed so I wanted to write very quickly response to it asking for review unfortunately writing it took almost all the time while I was back in here instead of spending time with my mother now I spent time writing stupid request for review now my mother is dead and my request for review was denied I'm being turned by regret that I spent time on less important things instead of spend time on the things that I important the reason how invite happened is that I missed calculated how much time it will take for me to write the request for review and I also did not anticipated that the doctors can basically kill my mother she was mentally several years more even if I take into account the deterioration of the house as it was going well there are very good chances that he would put better and we would be able to slow down iteration and in some aspects to improve it

However not the things how they happened and then the question is could it be in prevented or is a lesson to be learn I believe that it is so painful because it could have been prevented there is also lesson to be learn that some systems are not the way they are meant to be or we believe them to be there is also very high importance of justice which is not being achieved by the way thinking about the pain that I feel now I think I kind of not the priorities I need to attempt to deal with passing of my mother and lack of justice in Harry potter's first and then I can deal this my lawyers here in Australia

Side note I need to practice writing dot period still does not work period you don't understand what period is just not put superior stupid thing anyway I need to pay attention to the words being transcribed because sometimes they are missing and there is a good chance that when I will be editing it I will not notice what is missing how I will not be able to remember what I meant to write the example is that this sentence was meant to start with or but instead the system rod how to pay attention to this things

Now coming back to the pain I'm in right now I do not have a good plan how to use it I have somehow crazy idea that if I will write about it it will be easier it will be possible to correct it somehow. However just writing it means nothing they still need to take action and many things cannot be fixed

Anger is stronger than regret

2025-05-21 21:35

This might be quite surprising but period remove okay I was hoping that maybe this phone will be able to put the stops but seems no period this is a sort of kind of find a way to put stops this is one more attempt to put stops period comma nothing is helping. So anytime I need to put stop I need to do it manually even long pause does not help

2025-05-22 11:17

I was going to write how difficult it is to start with such a challenging topic as test of your mother and the only way to cope with it better is adding an end to diary but when I came to write it down I realized I am so tired because of lack of sleep are kind of right even few sentences whatever challenges you have long lasting lack of sleep is possibly on a bigger ones you just can't function at all

2025-05-28 14:58

I have been updating diary very little because I was saving my energy for urgent tasks. However, now I am feeling so overwhelmed and jittery that I am running out of ideas how to cope.

17:46 I am still struggling to be productive, but I read a bit about medication my mother was taking and I was thinking about that it had tiny chance to help her. Now, absurdity of the way she was killed is creating so much pain. I was trying to understand the reasoning of Budnikas, trying to find out maybe there was some high level of negligence and stupidity that led to my mothers death, but I am learning that the only stupid thing is to attempt to believe in anything else than evil intentions.

2025-05-28 14:58

It is absurd how low my energy is. I have not started my day yet. It seems I can not finish even single thought.

2025-05-31 15:00

I was planing to have only one big cup of coffee today. However, all I managed to do today so far is to have breakfast, spend one hour in garden tiding up and collecting food and then have lunch. Have not started any task planed for today. I am already thinking that I have spent all the energy I have for today and I am ready to go to sleep.

15:22 This coffee seems to be defected as it is not working. OK, I know the problem is not in the coffee, but I still wish there would be something that could help me easily.

06

2025-06-01 10:55

Days are so hard to start. I am so not convinced that there is any benefit of viewing sun every morning.

Mind freeze I can't prevent it every time I faced with a task I freeze and it takes about a month from me to switch from one task to another unfortunately also remember the times when it took me years or two years to start doing a task I can't say that they have a solution for it the only one way I can think of is that I'm gonna try now is pushing myself really really hard and making sure being strict as myself making sure that I do dedicate time for that task and I also dedicate time for breaks just really looking almost looking directly at the watching thinking am I spending time on the task I am meant to work on

2025-06-08 11:41

Tonight I had a dream again that I was doing exercises together with my mother and they were helping her. I woke up realising that this is just a dream. My mother died two months ago. It made me feel so bad that I can't start my day. I was thinking about the things that I have to do but I can't do anything. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. The first idea was to write an entry in the diary but even that felt too overwhelming. This is a perfect example when sometimes taking a break is just something you cannot avoid. That is something you have to do even if it will take some time and even some energy. But without doing it you don't have an any chance of doing anything productive. So this is my break. By the way I also not able to type so I am using voice recording to write down this idea.

Lesson: you need to edit after dictating, otherwise in some cases the actual thought gets lost in inaccurate transcription.

2025-06-12 02:00

It is almost two o'clock at night I woke up more than an hour ago I had very strange nightmare I dreamt about two kidnappings in one case there was a child kidnapped little girl by two women who from some church organization that kidnap children to grow within the organization then other one was about adult men being kidnapped by an army well by some office of high ranking the whole the whole action happens maybe at the beginning of 19th century but I was surprised how consistent was my dreams and how there was very little of analogical errors I was thinking that would be very good horror movie or some kind of thriller I did not finish and but the feeling was that it's gonna be very sad ending

On another subject I really need to look for social worker to help me to deal with all my problems because they still keep piling up and I'm not him not able to dealing with them tomorrow

2025-06-16 05:05

I made an experiment: I stopped writing diary hoping that this is gonna help me to save some time. I noticed that it takes from 10 minutes to half an hour to write an entry in diary. This is quite a lot of time to be saved. However, after doing this experiment at least for two weeks I noticed that I basically not saving any time. I'm gonna go back to writing the diary, maybe even twice a day. I will see will I be able to improve my productivity just by dedicating time to express my plants and emotions.

23:20 I am exhausted, but the only way forward is to try to persist.

2025-06-16 05:05

I had a bizarre dream. I think this is the first time I dreamed that I was swimming in the water that is full of piranhas. The strange thing is that it is a combination of several dreams that have been repeated many times in past and some real life experiences.

07:10 Using YouTube videos for distraction does not work any-more. Unfortunately, nothing else worked also. I did not fall asleep again this night.

16:12 I was feeling devastated as I could not do anything useful today, but at the end found a solution to crawl forward Daily functioning tips#Trembling hand.

Lack of energy and sorting priorities struggling with the poor sleep and lack of energy and incapacity to learn new things and not being able to do so many things lives in a place where you sometimes not being able to do even the things that are necessary to do then you have to sort out your priorities and normally you everything to have to do is play hyperiority and you would do all these things you would not need to choose one or another however current reality is that I have to choose and so I have to take a risk bending some conditions to the point where it is close to the breaking kind of doing only what is the most important and the most necessary unfortunately that means that very often and up in the situation because I was not able to do something on time something breaks or situation changes that I have to attend it but now it will require 10 times more effort and that is exactly the case where I am right now this is very unfort unfortunate consequences of having PTSD but he didn't choose to have PTSD you didn't choose to get injured he didn't choose to experience trauma he just have to deal with the best way you can so what you can do about this well the first thing is accept all these two situations where you wish you would not be but you are and then try to do your best try to sort out priorities put your health to quite high value

My nightmares continue to be very elaborate and the first one I was back in the senior at my mother's house and we're on the ground floor and either Michael from my wife can't remember the relationship told me that she did something bad and we had to hide and so basically my favorite was looking for to kill her and I remember told my brother that I may gonna need to change my identity so they're not gonna see me for very very long time and one of the things that are notice was my neighbor was looking up at the second floor in english it's first floor and you kind of pointed out this his eyebrows like okay there's a danger above the head that sensation that is a big danger and then after some time with this headed to escape to run and I sneak out on the street and they see that there was a woman walking on the street and she tried to stop and I tried to push her away and pass by button and the fighting and she was fighting really good and still try to escape and run but she was catching up to me and I noticed that the cuff left from from various to live in the six men in the car and I realized oh my goodness if they the possible by and then they will stop in front and will cut me off and I will not be able to escape so I grabbed that woman who was fighting and pushed to in front of the cup of quite quickly after that went to look seven toilet before going I'm first sorts well not even about the dream but about my mother passing and it felt like she just to breathing and I want to jump into something and I had to fight that feeling because it's not religious memory but it is very painful memory to me about myself and I was exiting toilet I noticed my own shadow and his kid a lot of me like the people trying to sneak and kill me vestal here after this I knew it's gonna be very difficult to fall back to sleep amida called to men's Lin and even after talking about very painful experience I felt a little bit karma and MonaLisa was able to fall asleep so second dream was about ndas providers and they contacted me and the agree to meet here it look ed like my unit but it was not it was some office and we there were three of them with first I spoke with one and he he told me about a little bit about them and he but we mostly spoke not about in this we actually spoke about my mother passing and they started investigation and the checked he sings from yoga classes where was going and they found some poison and I was thinking about what he has to do is my mother's passing I didn't bring any of the things giveaways from that yoga class I'm making a mess of this dream while trying to retell it because I remember part of them I remember oh no there was bigger part before that anyway um I woke up on the wanted to go back to that dream to that reality I had the current one oh this is reality so I have to get up and do my best because all the things that I remember that I missed out they already have a pattern very strong pattern I'm just not being able to do the things that I do sense I need to do and now I know the things that I have to do they were just too many until time and waited and despite all that I will be getting up a dream in my bed just as a way to call myself down so there's gonna be the easiest way to start the day right now because I am feeling completely around before even I got up

2025-06-16 04:15

I keep adding text but I do forget to edit it anyway I have a meeting today at midday so I took I set alarm to wake me up before 11 o'clock most of the time I'm up by this time however last night I slept really really bad let's baking up a lot and so I was still asleep at 11 o'clock and then alarm for me up it's interrupted my sleeping the last dream the problem is that if I do get interrupted in the morning the anxiety goes over the roof and feeling that everything is a failure that remembering all the past phase in the all feel as a just happened that you can do right now but there is well actually but the things of a more difficult and I mean not be able to do it so aking of this alarm is very very dangerous I'm going I will be getting up

23:36 I am on tried but last result method Daily functioning tips#Focusing on upcoming loss to overcome fear of doing.

Several years ago it became more difficult for me to maintain presentable appearance I started shaving less and less often and was letting my hair to grow I just had no energy to do all this and including closing and so on and so on it also felt pointless because I was not able to work I was not able to look for work was not able to go to any useful meetings I felt that way more important things to put my limited energy in I also maintain hope that one day I will be feeling better one day I will recover and then I will be back to my work I will be back to looking for contracts and that's the time when I will start taking good care of my looks impression appearance presentation and then I will be back to normal if nothing has happened but this past and I did not started feeling any better only now I have to actually take care of my hair because for no other good reason but just very high levels of stress I started losing my hair and it becoming a symbol that I am not able to take care of my physical body now it is becoming a reminder that I'm not able to open that I met significant Injustice and I was not able to seek and just so I'm gonna record some videos and I'm gonna cut my hair short I will try to take care of my head not because I can celebrate on because I recovered I mean in the sense of celebrate too that they can go back to my normal life but it's just because it is important to take care of that aspect of my health It's just it feels that I failed in one more way because I have two adjust to my deteriorating health and try to prevent further deterioration rather than Mark my recovery by it is what it is

I am editing my data again at night it's 5:55 again woke up dripping in sweat and sold terrified that I cannot go back to sleep it is hard to believe that it has been 10 years it does not feel real every night of a cup terrified them thinking this cannot be real because of distorted time perception and like of memories for most of the past ten years it feels like it it has been several months ago only old man looking at the window back to me the mirror is an evidence that it has been 10 years well actually I look much all much older than 10 years based on the mirror that's been 20 years there are many symptoms that it's hard to believe and in total it seems like it takes away a big part of you and told about this I didn't know that it can affect yourself so much he just kind of believe this it can be so impactful well in my case maybe there is something else too because I have also traumatic brain injury but I don't know how much is affected by brain in how much is affected by PTSD I started looking into brain injury on the year ago on the modern area and I was shocked to find out that they still could find some scarring in my brain it also on the very long list of the things that we should have done 10 years ago so it is very difficult to understand the symptoms of it is difficult to believe that they can affect so much I never had the clue how impactful it is and how actually it affects you before it myself. Unless you know what to expect it is very hard to prepare yourself and unless you are prepared it's very hard to deal with it and most of it I did not know while quite many symptoms have been very clear from the very beginning I like in my case police I do not I'm no longer surprised at the driver drove straight into me sometimes you do meet you will people but this is why you have hope that there are people and institutions to protect you or to help you to recover I do not expect it that the police will do everything in their power to make sure that driver goes away without any consequences policemen I did not expected that he be insurance will go so hard ignoring the law and not doing even the basic things that they meant to do I do not expect that my lawyers will be misrepresenting you so much and they will hear that they get the charged me as much as possible I had the expense of my claim you kind of put the develop surgery the fees but you will not expect that they will not do they jump and even more I do not expect it to government official will behave so corrupt it was a shock to me when he said that his job is not you make sure that I got the right compensation but to protect insurance from people seeking claims that's not his role throws to make sure that the claim is here so I cannot make I wasn't able to make this people to do the right thing in my life I cannot make people in your life to do the right thing but they can provide the information what it is and how to because quite many things that you will find in online or through the other sources they tell you about how the things should go but reality is different sometimes it feels that it is exactly the opposite and if I had that information in my life would be much better and I can provide information I can tell you my story I can tell you what happened I can tell about my lessons and a strongly believe that God can help you a lot so this is what this video and for the videos are about his s******* what I have learned and strong with believing that if I had that information it will help me a lot and I hope it will help you a lot to thank you for this and if you are interested please follow the for the videos I will go into details into trauma recovery and also how to deal with this insurance after the road traffic injury and how to deal with doctors misconduct which unfortunately I face one terrible case which is not only my own experience dealing with my own trauma that quite recently passing of my mom I brought her to hospital because of broken FEMA melodrama did not know that it is broken just expected that these she had some pain and I wanted to check and 40 hours later she died and she died on the because of the solution that was administered for her and there was no reason to do so I mean no reason for medical point of view to unless you had to go to kill someone but that is not what you would expect when you go to hospital so we'll be telling my experience how to cope with it and how to try to get some results

I want to emphasize some symptoms like learn helplessness then after being mistreated by people who are meant to help you you stop believing that you gonna get some results and you stop seeing world in being very dangerous and therefore you start looking help in more desperate race and instead of standing up for yourself you actually start trying to please this people hoping that they will do the right thing but that is not what happens as normal me I would expect that I would recognize this type of dangerous I would recognize the people I'm seeking help is not helping but making situation worse and I will look help somewhere else hello now I was not able to do that I've been easily manipulated and misguided and I was not able to process information on my own it is devastating how easy it is easy to become to manipulate and take advantages of and how long it has been happening that there are many things that unless now but also symptoms and everything that impacts sometimes you can be chasing the wrong solutions very hard to imagine how much energy consumes and how little I left this that when you finally get up that after sleepless night you have very very little energy to do something and did this past result being able to even the basic things the example would be even though he can visit along here in very long bit and people asked by to growth fill it grows on its own and I don't have energy to dedicated for dealing with it there are more important factful and more important things that I have to do not able to do and sometimes you have to pairs by trying to save time in things that normal people expected to be able to do and find it very difficult to to understand that you're not able to do this it's hard to believe it even for yourself that is reality that is what is happening by the way the dream I don't need to keep driving to get get back home because I am at home and my bed and I don't need to help a few my acquaintances to deal with the cancer because you don't have a cancer it was just in a dream I don't need to keep appointments that I made in my dream more actually I would not be able to because his people are not here not Australia they didn't arrive in the way trumped but I have to go to sleep

Thank you for your interest and attention I do hope that you will find the information that I'm about to present helpful

Today's 27th now is 550 I woke up almost at five o'clock with feeling very intense and sweating and ready to jump and run for my life the thing is that now what is frustrating I think ing when I was ready about four months ago was ready to write the video about my journey and I have not done this and about two weeks ago I decided okay that's the time I have to do this and they have not done this for more than a week I am thinking only about it and trying to do it and trying to do it every day I have not done this and every day I'm thinking this is a day I'm gonna write it today it's gonna take on what 10 minutes and 10 minutes turns into few months now for more than two weeks 10 minutes on trying to save my time and everything and just tiny bit of energy that I have to dedicate on the task and I'm still not being able to do this this is what it is to what video PTSD is

Today's 29th and now 427 I woke up with the nightmare but surprise tonight I didn't dye my dream and actually there was no threat to my life I was at Police station trying to provide my application for to investigate my mother's death the dream was stressful and things went wrong but not as long as his real life and real life my attempts to get investigations were less successful it's still a woke up so tense that I had to get up at the same time so exhausted that the first thing I did was to after short to drop down and on the bed has not even covered up myself just had to lay down this one tests which sometimes they do to an attempt to make my current hypergence and that is to check how well my body is to prepare to jump because even if muscles are not fully tense but they tends and prepare to jump at any moment there is no sleepness in muscles which does come after I relax should not be the case anyway yesterday again I was not able to record them a second of my video for struggling again coming back to audio and I kind of had an inclined that already in this is not the first time not the second time I tried and the interesting thing was idea to check the quality of his computer so it's gonna be faster and then I look for the tool to record and I found out that already have good tools installed and distals had records so this is a first time I'm learning about microphones and I remember nothing from what I learned before just I remember that dynamic phones are better other headphones being better one particular headphones which actually selected this in one this time also actually learn how to connect other dynamic microphones but even when being reminded that it in the past I still don't remember spend time now alright try to go to sleep again this luck you can wish me luck

07

2025-07-01 11:20

This is exceptionally frustrating: I missed another deadline and now so overwhelmed that I can not focus at all.

20:19 I am so exhausted, that thought about taking a break, especially a walk, keeps popping into my mind every few minutes, but the cruelty is that I do not have time for this. Also it will not restore any energy. But I can grab a bite to eat.

2025-07-02 11:50

I try not to curse my self for being late, but it is hard. Still there is a lot to do, now it is almost noon and I have not started doing anything yet. Today is 14 it's 3:28 I woke up on a half ago and not being able to fall asleep I haven't wrought quite many diary entries because I was feeling falling very far behind tasks and at the same time I was something ah okay at the same time I was feeling that everything is pointless that my thyroid entries stop helping me and it's not gonna help anyone else I thought anyone else is reading it and it definitely is not going to inspire some people to recover faster but now it's night and I cannot find anything that will help me to fall back to sleep so difficult situations gonna get you in harder this is why trying again to write an exhausted

Today's 15th of July then 24 hour cup maybe an hour ago and we're still trying to fall asleep but I can't the smaller I wanted to write was that it started in years ago after got injured I noticed that I'm making a lot of mistakes and I was mostly because I could not think properly could not analyze situation properly often it's highlighted the days of the wrong decision making but the decision-making is just a part of it the information gathering is also bad and analyzing information is also bad this also procrastination in doing things I have to do and that is related to fear and I remember from the beginning I noticed that as spending almost all my time to fix the things wrong and that was even in the small details in the small things that are not creating stress even arm spending on my time fixing the problems that could have been avoided if I had done things that I wanted to do a numb spending time for it and not time to get up and try to look for the flatmate because I was too exhausted properly do my part when I had the previous slot

Today's 16th of July 7 minutes past midnight our cup maybe half an hour ago with dream about some past events about sit here years ago that that memory is from city years ago and surprised how much energy I had then and how determined I was in seeking my goals and resourceful too and in my dream I lost it all in my team I was put against the staggering difference between what I am now and what I was sit here so when I woke up I was hoping that it is now around 4 o'clock and morning is coming soon as my part of nightmares and I check the clock it's not even the midnight and such intense and every dreams usually happens after head that they and yesterday was bad day he was very unproductive I met one support worker who was promising a lot and did not deliver that was just faced of time based of three hours I was hoping for the he will help me to stay on task and focus instead of doing what they asked he was constantly interrupting me this unrelated stuff I wanted to see if you're not gonna help at least don't be an obstacle but I tried and I tried I should have developed up on him here need to be more mindful and careful when choosing people I don't know how many became so that not full y honey need to take another time to fall asleep I had to take a break before try to attempting to fall for again to let the healing of extreme sadness to us still quite sad but has had us when I woke up let's hope for a better date tomorrow

2025-07-18 19:48

With the help of support worker I spend one hour looking at documents proving that there my mom was killed in the hospital. There was some progress, but I felt very tired. "I need a break" was all I could think of. I lie down. It felt so good. However, just maybe after one minute memories of my mom came. She had it hard looking after 6 children on her own. I never seen her taking a break. So, I got up, and I am back to work, no matter how slow I crawl.

Second of 22 second of july now it is 10 35 I am exhausted I'm laying in my bed I have a pain in my whole body pain and a joints strong pain in my heart and two types of headache and they need to get up I need to do things that could have been easily avoided just because few months ago I didn't think that is about looking new flatmate that was just stupid and now most of the past months I spent trying to deal with it I hate my life I slept so bad I managed to die in my dreams in very creative way it's funny I already have plenty of real life problems why this dream has to be so creative and great new way so this time it was I was traveling in exotic part of the world going to visit some Island in some some tropical island and we're going on the river and I knew that the river is invested this and there are tigers in an island that they don't live in the same place anyway I was at Island before and now I was visiting act a few years this time was going to get them I was my partner so I go to sleep in ship and then I wake up on an island alone I was pipe by some drugs but The Island threatening moments and also thought by running but now I have to find the island without protection by the way I didn't manage to find the layout and to catch up the ship only to get into kind of trouble with some huge enough about the dream I need to get up and do the things I have to do so guided this strong habit that I used to have many years ago I'm stretching my aching joints under that time they used to not take and I will get up very soon and I will try my best even if it is very little too late and highlighted to close new type of problems

2025-07-29 11:17

I'm I slipped very bad every night I have a dream of my mother I talked to her but at the same time I do realize that she is that and it's open for the last several days when I wake up I was trying to get up at 10 o'clock but because I didn't slept well for most of the big function at all I struggled to function so this morning rather than getting up I they tell a little bit to see maybe I will fall back to sleep and I fold back in in a minute but now it is time to get up and for most of the time what I'm doing is could have been avoided if my head just worked a little bit better my mother would be still alive I would not need to try to deal with the misconduct of the medical personal and also if I thought a little bit better about the market price of rental then I would not need to look for new flatmate something that is taking a lot of time

20:33 I was thinking to take a break. I am tired, this was unproductive day. So, I opened Facebook, just to scroll. Very soon I ended looking at the image of notice about my mom's passing. I forgot what I was even looking for. I will rest when I sleep, but not before.

22:17 I translated complaint to Šilutė hospital using ChatGPT and was working on it. Only now I noticed that it is not full translation, only summary and bad one. Crap.

2025-07-31 11:14

I was going to write a bit about my attempts to find help, but bent decided to shorten it to protection of laptop from the rain.

I used to go to the library and later to Safe Haven to help me to deal with panic attacks when I needed to work on stressful data. My productivity is very low, so I try to do it every day even if it is pouring rain. It created one challenge. I did not want to give up cycling just because of the weather. It took me a lot of effort to come back to cycling and I could not afford to risk it. However, I can not hold an umbrella while cycling. That meant that I would get soaked through during the rain. I already had a waterproof coat, even if it makes me sweat a lot. I bought water proof pans, but they were not comfortable to be in. I used to wrap my backpack into a large rubbish bag. I also kept my laptop in a plastic bag from shopping, just in case. Now I have a waterproof backpack. It feels strange that I no longer need to put my laptop into a plastic bag.

08

2025-08-04 10:47

A lot of my problems could been easier if I did not trust authorities. I try to do what I can instead of feeling sorry about it, but it feels that I am spending all my life trying to fix it.

2025-08-06 00:32

I almost got hit by a car yesterday. Stopped just 10 cm before where the car cut in front of me. Did not even thought to stop, even to apologise. Now I am scared to go to sleep. I already went to bed, but can not fall asleep.

Today's 7th of June August and now is 10 25 I woke up maybe 20 minutes ago and I had the morning sleep I'm quite sure I had a little bit of RAM slip and when I woke up I didn't have that pain of loss just maybe for several seconds I did not remember all the bad things that happened to me in the last 10 years and it was a nice feeling it until very quickly but it was a nice feeling and I was scared to check the time because I thought it might be already time to get up and it is I am so tired feeling bad so if you can make sure you have them sleep and now it is a time to dive into mystery I'm living in

2025-08-10 16:05

I separated the diary for 2025 as it was very difficult to scroll to write at night.

I am feeling so tired, so exhausted that before writing the first sentence in my diary I had to already take a break. After the break, I realized that there is a way to write diary easier. So this is a new attempt - marker at the end of the page. It is easier, but still not enough.

Oh my goodness. I'm laying in bed now. It feels so much pain in every muscle every joint. My body is saying that's it time to sleep, today's over. I have not even started doing this things I was planning to do for today.

2025-08-14 20:51

I gave a statement about my mom's passing a week ago. Jet I am still so exhausted, that day passes without being able to do anything useful. I thought alcohol or candy can help. I have neither. However, I have jalapenos. So, I am chewing it. It helps a bit :).

2025-08-23 14:16

I am struggling with PTSD symptoms#Not being able to do what you want and need to do. The best strategy I come up with so far is to push as hard as you can. It is a bountiful sunny day after many rainy days and I am sitting at home in front of computer.

21:03 it feels like another day of failure as I have not even properly opened to document to continue writing. I was just look at the other related documents, looking for information and not finding it. Now feeling completely deflated I thought to start preparing for the night.

2025-08-26 11:12

I woke up from maybe half an hour ago actually 40 minutes ago with a nightmare about the things going wrong and then I when I woke up I have just a feeling everything is gone bad today well the thing that I was trying to do I'm not not being able to do I'm getting late behind the deadline and even simple things don't go the way they meant to but for a little bit and I'm gonna get up I feel I'm gonna do my best most likely it's not gonna be enough it wasn't yesterday I did before they before was the last 10 years but there is not option at least I don't know get up and try your best.

2025-08-23 14:16

I think I was feeling worse and worse every day for some time and there were several reasons. However, I want to highlight the strongest one, that fired very badly: Triggering events.

End of diary

This is just a mark to make it easier to navigate to the end of the page at night.